


paint me happy and blue

by redsyub



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:34:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21562306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsyub/pseuds/redsyub
Summary: Jeon Wonwoo was a writer who was suffering from Writer's Block. He found his inspiration in a strange, Chinese man named Wen Junhui.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo & Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 102





	paint me happy and blue

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i'm back with a story for my otp. writing this story was truly a ride in itself but the story was haunting me for too long so i had to write it. there are a lot of bad habits that have been shown in this fic and i am not encouraging them at all as they are unhealthy. i used them because i wanted to tackle the stereotype around the whole concept of a 'tortured artist'.  
> the title of the fic is from the song venice bitch by lana del rey. in the song, lana signifies the colour 'blue' with a positive meaning where it is used as a metaphor for escaping negative situations. when i personally think of the colour blue, i'm reminded of the ocean (i know everyone has their own interpretations) and i interpret it as something related to hopes and dreams.  
> please enjoy the story!

There was something about watching a cigarette burn. Wonwoo thought that it was strangely therapeutic in a way. Thinking about the different ways he could interpret the connotation of the process satisfied his hunger for art.

_‘The drag of smoke that I exhale,_

_kaleidoscope around my face_

_and vanish into thin air._

_Such is life -_

_each existence is a unique piece of art,_

_but still transient.’_

Wonwoo grew up with this fear of _impermanence._ Everything, no matter how good and beautiful, eventually came to an end. Whether it was a person, country or a relation, nothing could ever stand mighty in front of the passage of time. But there was a loophole to this statement that Wonwoo found back in his school days. In the words of Leonardo da Vinci, “Beauty perishes in life, but is immortal in art.” And that was how Jeon Wonwoo, 26 (25 internationally), was known as a writer.

The door buzzed and Jihoon, his best friend and housemate entered the house. In a way, they were romanticising the dilapidated establishment they lived in by calling it a _‘house’._ It was a one-bedroom apartment which was big enough with a single window from where natural light came in which usually was a spotlight for dust dance and the plaster came off from the wet walls which produced a musty odour mixed with burnt tobacco. Nevertheless, the rent was cheap and was mainly paid by Jihoon because Wonwoo’s income wasn’t fixed. This meant that Jihoon slept in the bedroom while Wonwoo usually stuck to the couch in the hall. 

“I got Soonyoung’s message. Just answer his call.” Jihoon said as he walked straight into his room. Wonwoo and Jihoon met each other during their military service. Jihoon was a software developer where he comfortably earned 5 million won every month but refused to spend his money in lieu of saving for the future. 

Wonwoo laid on the couch with his head dangling off the armrest. He held the cigarette in his fingers, not really smoking, but watching the smoke from the stick rising up towards nothingness. On his other hand, he spun his glasses using its arms. He knew what Soonyoung wanted. Wonwoo chose the path of self-publishing and Soonyoung worked in the publishing company which had published and distributed all of Wonwoo’s books (two) that he wrote. Wonwoo didn’t have an agent so Soonyoung usually acted as his mediator. It was convenient because Soonyoung and Wonwoo were childhood friends. Wonwoo’s deadline to submit the draft of his new book was the day after. It had been a year since Wonwoo’s last book was published which had mediocre success, but he didn’t like to talk about it. 

Jihoon came out of his room, changed into an oversized tee and track pants. “Why are you ignoring Soonyoung?” he asked. 

“Because he wants a book which I don’t have,” Wonwoo answered back, sitting up and stubbing his cigarette in the ashtray placed on the coffee table and wearing his glasses.

“You don’t have anything?”

“Not even a single word, Jihoon,” Wonwoo confessed.

“Why is that? You keep updating that blog of yours with your musings. Just write a book instead!” Wonwoo knew that Jihoon was trying to help him, but it still pissed him off.

“It’s not that simple!” Wonwoo raised his voice. His voice echoed in the shitty apartment. “There is no inspiration.”

Since the very beginning of his journey in writing, Wonwoo had realised that pain sold more than joy. All the greatest writers were known for their tragedies. A great writer should always have a war in their mind. So naturally, Wonwoo moulded his life to fit this idealistic concept. 

It went something like this:

Wonwoo had a difficult childhood where his family never accepted his dreams. There was always an unspoken rivalry with his brother, Bohyuk and deep down, Wonwoo knew that he was the preferred son. Wonwoo came to Seoul, frivolously chasing after his first love who later on cheated on him and left Wonwoo, poor and alone in the big city. The two books that he managed to get published were lying at the back of the bookstores, gathering dust which meant Wonwoo didn’t earn much from them. So even though Wonwoo had a roof over his head and food to fill his stomach (because of Jihoon, bless his soul), he was technically a poor man who wasn’t really working. 

Life had always been hard on Wonwoo, but for a change, it had become bland as well. Nothing interesting happened in his life. He woke up around 10 in the morning only to find that Jihoon had left for work. He aimlessly wandered around the apartment only to sit in front of his laptop by 12. Then he tried to write something on his blog, the source of his income at the moment. Jihoon’s Netflix account was his free real estate for the afternoon. He went out in the evening to buy his pack of Marlboro Red from the convenience store, stopped by an alley behind the store and smoked there while trying to gather some inspiration. After a while, he walked back to the apartment and lounged on the couch for the whole night, only to repeat the cycle again.

“Maybe you should date someone,” Jihoon said who was now sitting on the couch while ordering some food from his phone.

“And have them break my heart again? I’m not interested.” Wonwoo bluntly denied.

Jihoon just sighed while shaking his head. He grabbed the remote from the couch and switched on the news on TV. 

  
  


***

  
  


“What am I supposed to tell the higher-ups Wonwoo? Your deadline was today!” Soonyoung screeched through the phone. 

“Just tell them I need more time,” Wonwoo replied, while walking around the coffee table, smoking.

“I gave you 5 months. There are only so many times I can save your ass before they let you off for good and ask you to find another publisher.” Soonyoung huffed. Soonyoung’s company helped people like Wonwoo with self-publishing as people avoided the traditional one nowadays.

Wonwoo hated his life. He wanted to write something good that people would want to read. He had already written about the drawbacks of being different and his tragic love story. Unfortunately, people didn’t want to read them. It wasn’t like people didn’t want to read sad stuff anymore. It’s just that the world hated Wonwoo and they didn’t want to read _his_ stuff. So, Wonwoo wanted this book to be perfect. This would be his big break that would put his name on the world stage and immortalise his name.

“Soonyoung, I can only beg right now,” Wonwoo asked desperately. “Please, give me some time.”

There was silence on the line and Wonwoo knew that Soonyoung was contemplating. After a few seconds, Soonyoung finally spoke. “Fine. One month and I want something. If not the whole book then at least some progress.”

“Thanks, Soonyoung.” 

Soonyoung ended the call and Wonwoo was left with a beeping sound coming from his phone. He looked out the window and looked at the building across the street. A child was looking out towards the sky. There was an innocent smile on his face and Wonwoo knew that he must have thousands of dreams in his head. 

_‘Oh, how nice it is to be a child_

_with no burden or ill will in heart._

_To dream big without constraints_

_and be loved by people of all ages.’_

  
  


Later in the evening, Wonwoo stood in the alleyway behind the convenience store to smoke. He was minding his own business when he saw a man walk out from the alley. He was wearing a face mask and his walk was wacky. Wonwoo instantly realised that this was his end. This stranger was a criminal and he might kill him because he was running away and Wonwoo was now a witness which the criminal couldn’t afford. Still, Wonwoo stood still and hoped that the man would ignore him. Incidentally, the man ignored him and walked past him. Something clicked inside Wonwoo and he felt offended that he was ignored by a stranger. 

“This alley isn’t safe,” Wonwoo shouted towards him.

The stranger stopped abruptly and then turned back to look at Wonwoo. When Wonwoo finally saw the man, the first thing he noticed was his eyes. He couldn't make out much, but he could see the sparkle in his eyes which assured Wonwoo that he was a good guy.

“Were you talking to me?” The stranger asked while pointing his finger at himself, eyes widening in the process.

“You won’t get anything if you kill me,” Wonwoo replied instead.

The stranger stood there with a quizzical expression trying to gauge the situation. Finally, he squinted his eyes in suspicion and pointed his finger at Wonwoo. “For all I know, you could be a killer! Who stands here in a dark alley all alone?” He took a deep breath and continued. “You look like you’re waiting for a beautiful man like me to pass for your next kill!”

Wonwoo laughed at the stranger’s last allegation. “Who said you were beautiful?” Wonwoo was laughing so hard that his knees gave out and he slumped against the wall. The stranger huffed indignantly before stomping his feet and leaving Wonwoo alone in the alley. 

Wonwoo hadn’t laughed so hard in months.

  
  


***

  
  


The meeting with the stranger in the alleyway became an everyday ordeal. Some days they ignored each other and other days they acknowledged each other with a nod. 

One evening, when Wonwoo was going to his spot in the alley to smoke, he noticed the stranger already standing there with his back against the wall. The stranger didn’t notice Wonwoo as he was busy using his phone. 

Wonwoo coughed to let his presence known. “You know, anyone could easily mug you right now.”

The stranger finally looked up. Wonwoo found it funny that he still didn’t know how he looked as he had never seen the man without his mask. “When was the last time you ate?” 

To say that Wonwoo was baffled by his question would be an understatement. Yes, it was true that he hadn’t eaten properly in 3 days, but hearing it from a stranger wasn’t a very welcoming notion. “Why do you care?”

“I’ve noticed you are really skinny, but your face looks extra dull today. Even your glasses can’t hide the truth. Come on! I know a great place. Let’s eat.” He said getting off the wall while gesturing for Wonwoo to follow him.

“Are you crazy? Why would I follow you?” Wonwoo scoffed.

“I feel like doing something good today. You can follow me if you want. Your choice.” And with that, the stranger started walking towards the direction that he usually came from. 

Wonwoo felt like a kid who was being lured by a man with the promise of candy only to be led into a trap. He had heard all kinds of things. These stories never had a happy ending. Then again, Wonwoo was a pessimist who was miserable and wanted some kind of inspiration. So, Wonwoo very eloquently thought _‘Fuck it!’,_ and followed the stranger.

“I don’t even know your name!” Wonwoo said in between his breaths. He had to run to catch up to the stranger and his physical strength wasn’t the best.

“Junhwi for your convenience, Junhui for mine.” Junhui said.

“Aren’t you Korean?” Wonwoo was curious.

“Aren’t you asking too many questions? I barely know you.” Junhui countered.

“You are the one who invited me out to eat!” Wonwoo begrudgingly said. Wonwoo concluded that no matter what, this man was very strange and probably a little crazy. “My name is Wonwoo.” 

Wonwoo followed Junhui mindlessly until he noticed that they were on a very busy street.

“Where are we?” 

“Still in _Seodaemun._ The alleyways are great for shortcuts!” Junhui had to shout as the street was bustling with people and signboards illuminated with lights.

Junhui finally stopped in front of a popular restaurant and turned back to face Wonwoo. Even when Wonwoo couldn’t see his whole face, his eyes looked expectant. 

Wonwoo pointed at the restaurant and asked, “Is this the great place?”

Junhui nodded. 

“I don’t have money to eat in such a place. Let’s go to a street stall.” Wonwoo said while turning back towards the market to find a stall. When Wonwoo had walked a good few steps, he turned back to look if Junhui had followed him. But, he hadn’t even moved from there. Wonwoo sighed and went back towards the restaurant. 

The restaurant, no surprise to Wonwoo, was fully packed. The servers were moving at lightning-fast speed and he could hear the sizzle of dishes from multiple tables. A man came towards them with recognition in his eyes and instantly greeted Junhui. 

“Jun hyung! Are you here on a date? What if auntie finds out?” The man said while throwing a knowing smirk towards Junhui.

“Shut up! We are just acquaintances.” Junhui defended himself while flicking a finger on the man’s forehead. They both found a table at the back of the restaurant near the kitchen’s entrance. The man came up to them and handed them both menu cards.

“Hello! I’m Seungkwan and I’ll be taking your orders today! May I suggest the chef’s special?” Seungkwan recited his line cheerfully.

“Just tell Mingyu to whip us some free leftovers. Now, get lost!” Junhui quickly slid the cards back towards Seungkwan.

“You won’t get laid like this Moon Junhwi!” Seungkwan pouted and said while storming off towards the kitchen. 

Wonwoo had a hard time computing the events that led him to his current state. The night was definitely out of the usual norm and he found himself interested in the turn of events. Jihoon would have a field day over this story and the night wasn’t even over yet. While Wonwoo was busy musing over some kind of theme for his next story, Junhui took off his face mask. Never in his life could Wonwoo imagine the stranger to look good. Wonwoo tried to look elsewhere, but his eyes strangely gravitated towards Junhui. With nothing to do, but stare at the man sitting in front of him, Wonwoo thought that talking with him would be a better option.

“So, are you friends with the owner that they would just give you free food?” Wonwoo asked.

“Ah, something like that,” Junhui replied while playing with the chopsticks, not looking at Wonwoo. “It’s my auntie’s restaurant.”

“Woah! You must be rich!” 

“Not really. I just came here to help around because I wasn’t doing anything back in China and this place promised a change of scenery. It’s complicated.” Junhui said while looking forlorn.

Wonwoo was at a loss for words because somewhere between those lines, Junhui was asking for sympathy and he didn’t know how to provide it. Wonwoo was a writer and he knew how to write beautiful verses, but he was terrible at human conversations. Most of the time, people thought Wonwoo was a bad person because he couldn’t talk to them properly. This was a major reason Wonwoo was isolated from the world and hated them for it. Jihoon and Wonwoo instantly clicked because Jihoon could see through Wonwoo’s bullshit. 

The kitchen doors opened and a very tall and bulky man came out holding two trays filled with dishes. 

“Ah, our Moon Junhwi has finally brought a man home! I’m so happy! Today, we feast!” The man declared while depositing the plates on their table. Seungkwan took a place beside Wonwoo and the man who brought food sat beside Junhui.

“Don’t you have work to do?” Junhui asked while shaking his head.

“Naah, we are taking a break. Food tastes delicious when we eat it with others!” The new man said while grinning. His canines were very well defined and Wonwoo was reminded of a dog.

Seungkwan tapped at Wonwoo’s shoulders. “He’s my man! So I would appreciate it if you stopped checking him out.” He said while trying to sound intimidating. Wonwoo found it disgustingly adorable. 

“Oh! I’m Mingyu! It’s so nice to meet you!” Mingyu extended his hand across the table and Wonwoo shook it politely. 

“Can you two be any more embarrassing?” Junhui spoke while digging into the noodles. 

“It’s my job to embarrass you as your best friend,” Seungkwan replied airily.

“Don’t just declare things which aren’t true.” 

And just like that, Junhui and Seungkwan kept bickering about trivial things. The food was delicious and Wonwoo hadn’t had this good food in months. The spiciness opened up Wonwoo’s sinuses and the burst of flavour inside his mouth was scrumptious. 

“The food is delicious,” Wonwoo spoke up.

The two people, one beside him and the other across him didn’t hear Wonwoo and kept on arguing over small things. But, Mingyu did hear him. “Thanks! I’m glad you like it.”

“How did you come to work in a Chinese restaurant?” Wonwoo asked Mingyu.

“Money.” 

The answer was good enough, Wonwoo thought. A man came to their table and directed his attention towards Junhui. “Hyung, could you come to the cash counter for a bit? The owner isn’t here and there seems to be a problem.”

Junhui got up from the table and Seungkwan joined him as well. “I’ll come with. Please excuse us.” 

Wonwoo was left with Mingyu on the table, but he wasn’t bothered because it wasn’t like Junhui was his friend and he was left with a stranger. He was literally dining in with a bunch of strangers. 

“They both are always going at it like cat and mouse,” Mingyu spoke up with a fond expression on his face. “Jun hyung is very kind, you know? I haven’t seen a man who has a bigger heart than him.” 

Wonwoo wasn’t interested in knowing about Junhui so he tried to quickly shut the conversation. “I’m sure he’s good,” Wonwoo said and then went back to eating food.

“After I got a job in this place, Seungkwan gave an interview to work here as well. He was rejected and hyung found me dejected. So, he hired Seungkwan even when his auntie said no. Now, Seungkwan is auntie’s beloved, but it is all possible because of hyung.” Mingyu reminisced. If anything, this story concluded that Junhui was a naive fool who didn’t have a good sense of judgement. 

“I should go back. You’ll be okay here alone?” Mingyu asked while getting up. 

Wonwoo just nodded insouciantly while demolishing the food placed in front of him. Wonwoo sat there by himself for quite a while. When he couldn’t eat anymore, he took out his phone to check the way back to his apartment. Junhui finally came back to the table alone and ate his food in silence. Wonwoo grew uncomfortable as he had nothing to do and he was waiting for a stranger to finish his meal. Though Wonwoo didn’t voice his complaints because the kind man was feeding him for free. 

Wonwoo looked at the people coming in and out of the restaurant. As the place was popular, it was visited by all kinds of people. From young high school couples to a whole family, a lonely Korean worker to foreigners and now a _tortured writer._ Wonwoo thought how different it would be if he came out to such a restaurant with Jihoon. Soonyoung could even tag along with them. But the bigger question was, would he gel in normally with the crowd? As cold as Jihoon could be sometimes, he was sociable and had lots of other friends. Wonwoo only had Jihoon and by some miraculous extension, Soonyoung.

_‘Humans are funny creatures who_

_possess the quality of goodness from birth,_

_but this good when tortured from within_

_turns into evil, evolved from hunger and thirst,_

_inciting a war in the mind between_

_what you see_

_and what you perceive.’_

“Did you like the food?” Junhui asked. He had also finished eating and was gathering up all the dishes and stacking them up together. 

“Yeah, it was delicious. Thanks.” Wonwoo thanked him because he was grateful that somebody fed him. “Why did you invite me?”

Junhui got up from his chair and picked up the dishes. He faced Wonwoo while answering him. “My horoscope told me to be generous to a stranger.” And with that, he went into the kitchen with dirty dishes. Another boy came to the table and cleaned it with a cloth and some kind of solution. 

Wonwoo just sat there thinking about what he just heard. Junhui’s reason was the most absurd thing he’s heard about in a long time. Who believed in horoscopes anyway? They were living in the 21st century, for crying out loud. Junhui was definitely the strangest man Wonwoo had ever encountered in his life. And, he didn’t want to admit it but he was curious. 

Junhui came back out and instead of sitting back down, he gestured for Wonwoo to get up. Wonwoo immediately got out of his chair and followed Junhui out of the establishment. “You believe in astrology?” Wonwoo asked when he caught up with him.

“Yes, the stars and planets are very powerful. You shouldn’t take them lightly.” Junhui answered seriously. 

Wonwoo couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s ridiculous!”

“You’re ridiculous!” Junhui contradicted Wonwoo, clearly looking very offended.

“You know, you could always visit the restaurant and eat without me. Just tell the people there to put it on my tab.” Junhui offered earnestly.

“You know, I could order the most expensive things and bring in many people,” Wonwoo suggested.

“Well, if that happens then I hope your last meal at that restaurant was worth losing my tab.” 

Wonwoo smiled at Junhui’s reply. It felt like Wonwoo had been standing in the polluted air for too long. He had gotten used to the toxic air and it didn’t affect him anymore. But, Junhui was like a gust of fresh air. And funnily enough, he was suffocating in this freshness. 

They both walked back to the alley behind the convenience store. “This is where we part, I guess. Bye Wonwoo-sshi!” 

“Wait, how old are you?”

“26.”

“We are the same age. Just call me Wonwoo.”

“Sure. Bye-bye!” Junhui waved back and started walking away from Wonwoo. Wonwoo was still not satisfied.

“Wait!” 

Junhui turned back with a questioning look on his face. He looked at Wonwoo expectantly, waiting for him to continue. Wonwoo didn’t know how to voice his feelings.

“Shouldn’t we exchange numbers?” Wonwoo asked timidly.

Junhui looked confused and this made Wonwoo want to run away from the scene. “Do you want us to be friends?” 

“Why else would I have dinner with you?” Wonwoo asked, feeling perturbed by the passage of each second.

“Hunger?”

That was the correct assumption in many ways, but Wonwoo didn’t want to let Junhui go away. He was by far the strangest person he had ever encountered and deep down, Wonwoo knew that he could become a great inspiration for his next book. Junhui was exactly what he had been searching for and he couldn’t let the man run away. He needed to know his back story and understand how he became a man with a big heart who had a dry sense of humour and believed in astrology. 

Wonwoo tried to gather his thoughts. He couldn’t explicitly tell Junhui that he wanted to _use_ him. He was supposed to be a goddamn writer and he couldn’t come up with words. Before he could make a bigger fool of himself, Junhui came up to him and extended his phone. 

“Sure, let’s be friends.” 

  
  


***

  
  


On a lazy Saturday afternoon, Wonwoo and Jihoon sat on the couch in the living room. While Jihoon was busy writing code for his project related to work, Wonwoo watched the editor program on his screen. He still couldn’t write a single word even when he had a muse on his mind. The thing was he needed to interact more with Junhui to get a solid framework. Wonwoo absent-mindedly smoked his cigarette. 

“You should control your smoking man,” Jihoon commented.

“I could say the same for you,” Wonwoo replied while exhaling his smoke towards Jihoon’s face.

“I smoke 2-3 times a day.” Jihoon retorted. “You, on the other hand, are a menace!” 

Wonwoo ignored Jihoon’s whining, but he restrained himself from taking another stick out of the box. Wonwoo was getting restless because of his unproductivity. Soonyoung had given him a month extension and he had already wasted a week doing nothing. Wonwoo knew there was a tragic story behind Junhui and he needed to milk the story. This was his only chance to get closer to the _immortality_ that he dreamt of. 

“Jihoon-ah? Are you hungry?” 

“There’s _Kimchi_ in the fridge. We can have it with rice.”

“No, let's go out,” Wonwoo suggested. He got up and did some stretching and the noise of his bones cracking echoed in the room. “My bones would rot away because of their disuse. Come on!” 

This was how Wonwoo and Jihoon reached Junhui’s restaurant to have lunch. When Wonwoo entered the restaurant, he was greeted by a woman who took them both to an empty table. Wonwoo was internally disappointed because he couldn’t spot Junhui or Seungkwan.

They both waited for their _Malatang_ to arrive. Just when Wonwoo was regretting his decision of leaving the house and arriving at the restaurant, Junhui came out from the kitchen. He quickly spotted Wonwoo and gave him a blinding smile which made Wonwoo avert his eyes. Junhui walked to their table. 

“Hello! I’m glad you’re back here.” Then Junhui faced Jihoon and extended his hands towards him. “I’m Junhwi, the assistant restaurant manager. Is everything good?” 

“Ah yeah, it’s good. You know Wonwoo?” Jihoon asked curiously. Wonwoo could see that Jihoon’s ears were turning pink. Wonwoo found it very interesting.

“I wouldn’t say that I _know_ him,” Junhui said while showing a smile that literally blinded Wonwoo. Was he being professional or flirting with Jihoon? “Can you believe the guy took my number and never messaged me?” He put a hand to his chest and faked a sombre expression.

“You could’ve messaged me if you were that desperate.” Wonwoo deadpanned.

“If I remember correctly, you were the one who was desperate to get my number.” Junhui rolled his eyes.

“This all happened recently? You left the apartment and socialised willingly?” Jihoon asked Wonwoo, clearly shocked. His eyebrows had disappeared behind his bangs.

“Oh! So my deductions were correct! Yes!” Junhui cheerfully raised his hands in the air.

“What deductions?” Wonwoo asked.

“It’s a secret. But, I’ll tell your friend here. Is it alright if I sit with you?” Junhui asked Jihoon.

“Of course,” Jihoon said while making space for Junhui to sit beside him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

“Lee Jihoon. I’m a software developer.” 

“Oh wow! That’s so cool!” Wonwoo still had a hard time figuring out if Junhui was extremely good at acting or he was genuinely impressed by the things that other people said. It was funny how they both completely ignored Wonwoo and started talking about all the random things in this world. Wonwoo wouldn’t say that he was jealous, but the feeling that was creeping inside of him was very similar to jealousy.

Wonwoo thanked the server mentally when she brought them their food. Thankfully, Wonwoo was included in conversation while they all ate and Junhui taught them ways to enjoy their food properly as a native Chinese. Wonwoo was surprised to see how easily Junhui mixed in with them and from an outsider’s view, it looked as though the three of them were very close. Even when the conversations died out and silence seized the table, it wasn’t awkward at all. It could be that Jihoon was like a buffer between Wonwoo and Junhui so it was easier to exist together in a small space. 

“Where’s Seungkwan?” Wonwoo asked.

“Oh, the annoying couple doesn’t work on Saturday and this is the exact reason why it’s so peaceful,” Junhui said while closing his eyes and inhaling a deep breath. 

After they finished their lunch, Jihoon suggested they leave so that Junhui could get back to work. Wonwoo hated that suggestion because he needed to spend time with Junhui alone, but he didn’t want to push his luck. _‘Fuck Jihoon for hogging Junhui’s attention!’,_ Wonwoo thought.

“You’re a good man Moon Junhwi. I like you.” Jihoon said while grinning up at Junhui. Jihoon was completely enamoured of Junhui. It took him one and a half hours to like a person. This was a new record as far as Wonwoo knew.

“Aww, I like you, too Jihoonie!” Junhui replied back with his own grin.

“Aren’t you two practically in love with each other?” Wonwoo scoffed. It was irritating that nothing went according to Wonwoo’s plans. The universe truly hated Jeon Wonwoo.

“Jihoon and I are bound to be good friends! He’s a Sagittarius!” Junhui declared cheerfully.

“Not again,” Wonwoo muttered.

“What does that mean?” Jihoon asked.

“I’m a Gemini. It means we are complete opposites of each other, yet we have similar traits which make us have great communication. And, communication is the key to a good human relationship!” Junhui explained with vigour and his eyes were twinkling. Jihoon, on the other hand, was interested in whatever Junhui had to say.

“Don’t tell me you believe his bullshit.” Wonwoo directed his statement towards Jihoon. 

Before Jihoon could voice out his opinion, Junhui, who was clearly offended by Wonwoo, asked, “Why are you so pessimistic? When’s your birthday?” 

“I’m not telling you.”

“July 17th.” Jihoon piped up.

“Aha! Cancer! I should’ve known you are a water sign.” Junhui pointed his finger at Wonwoo. Wonwoo was not interested in this. Nothing about it was real, he knew he shouldn’t let it get to his head. “I really hope the other planets in our chart are in harmony because off the bat, we both are incompatible,” Junhui said.

“It’s not real!” Wonwoo got up from his chair and gathered his things. A few minutes ago, he wanted to stay, but now it would be better if he left. This was the problem with Junhui. It was like his whole body and soul was calling Wonwoo towards him, but the moment he opened his mouth, Wonwoo wanted to strangle the man. The theme for his next book crystallised into something more concrete. 

Wonwoo dragged Jihoon who begrudgingly left the restaurant as he couldn’t properly bid his farewell. “You didn’t even let me exchange numbers!” Jihoon lamented.

“Stop whining, I’ll pass it on to you.”

Wonwoo was a selfish man and in his humble opinion, Junhui was his person _first._ Jihoon wasn’t allowed to beat Wonwoo by being automatically compatible with Junhui because of his birth. _Fuck astrology,_ it wasn’t real anyway. 

  
  


***

  
  


_‘I think of you more_

_when we aren’t together,_

_than I think of you_

_when we are together._

_Alone, I crave your presence._

_Together, I dream of a life_

_without you.’_

One week till the deadline and Wonwoo was surprisingly satisfied with his progress. He had written around forty thousand words and he was convinced that the third time would be the charm for him. The story was about a man and his character was inspired by Junhui. It was an inspiration because Wonwoo only borrowed some traits of the man for his character. A seemingly perfect man with devilish charms who had a tragic background story. Wonwoo made it a mythological story because those stories were selling out rapidly. Wonwoo also made it a tragic love story and already had an ambiguous ending for it. 

For the past 10 days, Wonwoo hadn’t left the apartment and had become a hermit. Funnily enough, Wonwoo and Junhui exchanged texts frequently. Wonwoo enjoyed the man for a change when they weren’t physically together. It was also a good thing that they didn’t talk in person because Wonwoo was heavily affected by Junhui’s appearance. As much as he didn’t like the way he influenced the people around him, he couldn’t even deny that the man was handsome. Wonwoo couldn’t remember many of his dreams, but he was convinced that the man must haunt him in his dreams, too. 

In the evening, Wonwoo decided to go out for a walk and buy himself a few packs of cigarettes. After his purchase, he had a strange desire to walk back towards the alley. It had been a while since he last stood there idly. His main reason to stand there was to gain inspiration and now it wasn’t needed as his mind was running with a story that had somehow possessed his mind.

Wonwoo didn't have to stand there for long. Junhui turned around the corner and walked towards him. He was wearing his signature mask and Wonwoo felt nostalgia wash over his conscience. 

“Hello, stranger!” Junhui greeted him.

Even when Wonwoo couldn’t see Junhui’s lips, he could imagine his cocky smirk behind that mask. Wonwoo hated how weak he was to his own desires. He wished to go back in time and not wait in the alleyway for this asshole.

“What’s up?” Wonwoo asked.

“Same old. I’m walking back home. How’s your book coming along?” 

During one of their text conversations, Wonwoo had finally informed Junhui that he was a writer and was busy writing a book. Junhui had asked about the books that he had published. Wonwoo told him to ignore his past mistakes. 

“It’s getting somewhere,” Wonwoo answered back honestly. He couldn’t really say if the book was good or not. That decision would be made by Soonyoung and his company. But compared to how Wonwoo was faring a few weeks ago, this was definitely good progress. 

“Hmm. Wanna walk back to my place?” Junhui asked.

“Why?” 

“I’d rather we talk in a warm place. It’s kind of chilly out here.” Junhui replied. It was the end of February and even though winter was about to end, it didn’t mean the cold had gone away. But the bigger question was did Wonwoo want to continue having a conversation with Junhui in person. Yes, he wanted to see Junhui’s face again, but he hadn’t expected that he would be invited to his place. 

“Sure.”

  
  


They both picked up some _Jajangmyeon_ from a stall and headed for the building in which Junhui lived. Junhui lived in a loft-style officetel and when Wonwoo saw it for the first time, his first thought was of how small it was. 

“It’s cosy,” Wonwoo said in sarcasm. 

“Oh, thanks! I know it’s small, but it’s my own space and I like it.” Junhui clearly didn’t understand Wonwoo’s sarcasm. Anyway, the more Wonwoo looked at the place, it looked neater and more modern than Wonwoo’s apartment. Wonwoo should have a talk with Jihoon and their landlord about renovating their own place. 

The dinner was a silent affair where both of them were busy using their phones while slurping up their noodles. Technology had truly killed the art of communication within the millennials. Junhui cleaned up after they were finished and Wonwoo wondered what conversation they truly had after they came back to Junhui’s place. 

“Why am I here?” Wonwoo asked.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Junhui replied back from the kitchen area, busy cleaning up the place. 

Wonwoo walked to where Junhui was standing which only took three strides. “You know what I mean. We aren’t talking at all.”

“I guess we have a hard time talking in person. It’s so much easier behind the screen of our phones, huh?” Junhui was aware of their dynamics as well and clearly made fun of it.

“I’m leaving.” 

“No! Wait!” Junhui reached out and held Wonwoo’s wrist so that he could stop him.

“What is it that you want?” Wonwoo looked Junhui straight in the eye, trying to gauge his real intentions. 

Junhui walked towards Wonwoo so that both of them were standing close to each other. With such close proximity, Wonwoo could count the moles on his face. “I thought I made it pretty clear,” Junhui whispered in a low tone.

“According to you, we are incompatible.” Wonwoo didn’t understand, but he also whispered. Apparently speaking in a normal voice seemed too loud at that moment. 

“Tell me your birthplace and time of birth and we can figure out our compatibility,” Junhui said while caressing Wonwoo’s jaw with his fingers. The touch left a burning sensation on his skin. He took Wonwoo’s glasses off and kept it on the counter behind him.

“What if the stars don’t align?” 

“Then, fuck it.” 

Junhui leaned in and pecked Wonwoo’s lips as if asking for permission. He didn’t lean back and just stayed there with his eyes closed. So, Wonwoo gripped Junhui’s waist with one hand and brought his other hand behind his neck to properly kiss him. 

This kiss was too hungry, too brutal. Wonwoo slammed Junhui against the wall and kissed him again. Junhui could only wound his arms around Wonwoo’s shoulders and let him take the lead. Wonwoo clutched Junhui’s hips and he was sure there would be bruises with the amount of pressure he was putting on. But Wonwoo could care less about it, as he started grinding their hips together, trying to chase the friction. 

Junhui’s moans were hypnotic and Wonwoo was a selfish man. He didn’t part away from Junhui’s lips, busy exploring the hot cavern with his tongue. It was only when Junhui pushed at Wonwoo’s shoulders that Wonwoo moved down to his neck, sucking it like a vampire gone feral.

“Upstairs. Bed.” Junhui spoke in between heavy breaths. 

Wonwoo gripped Junhui’s wrists and led him upstairs which was a difficult task as the stairs were too narrow and both of them were too horny. Junhui switched off the lights on their way. 

When they finally reached up the loft, Wonwoo threw Junhui on the mattress and pounced on him. Wonwoo’s feelings towards Junhui were very intense. He found him irritating and too unreal and yet couldn’t ignore the attraction and a sense of belonging that he felt only with him. Their tongues danced with each other, Junhui’s wet moans going straight down to Wonwoo’s dick. Wonwoo pulled back and Junhui opened his eyes. It was too dim, the only light coming from outside through the big window that illuminated the house. Wonwoo wasn’t wearing his glasses and most of the far off things were blurry. But he could see Junhui’s face, his lips which got plumper with Wonwoo’s assault, his half-lidded eyes and his breath fanning Wonwoo’s face. 

Wonwoo leaned back in and kissed down his jaw and down his neck. He slid his hands under Junhui’s sweater and bunched it up till his palms reached his chest. He moved his lips to Junhui’s nipples, sucking on them and making Junhui’s back arch up like a cat. Junhui squirmed under Wonwoo’s ministrations tugging Wonwoo’s hair harshly. This made Wonwoo look up at him. Utilising the moment, Junhui sat up and removed his sweater completely, throwing it away. Wonwoo sat up too in the process and straddled Junhui’s hips. Junhui gripped the hem of Wonwoo’s shirt and pulled it up, making both of them topless.

“What do you want?” Junhui asked. 

It had been a long time since Wonwoo had sex. Becoming an antisocial hermit had its downfall and masturbation never brought in real satisfaction. Wonwoo needed a good distraction and he needed to lose himself. 

Wonwoo brought their foreheads together while gripping the back of his neck and closed his eyes. “Fuck me, Jun-ah.” The nickname came off easily from Wonwoo’s lips. 

Junhui grabbed Wonwoo’s waist and turned them over so Wonwoo was lying with his back down. Junhui unbuckled Wonwoo’s belt and then removed his pants. Wonwoo’s dick was already hard because of their foreplay and his underwear couldn’t hide his bulge. Junhui palmed his dick through his underwear and Wonwoo’s breath was knocked out of him. Thankfully, Junhui didn’t waste time with unnecessary teasing and pulled off Wonwoo’s underwear. He stroked Wonwoo’s dick for a bit before pulling away and getting up. Wonwoo saw him rummaging through a tiny set of drawers. He finally came back with a bottle of lube and a few packets of condoms. 

“Are you planning on going for multiple rounds?” Wonwoo asked incredulously, laughing in between because Wen Junhui was a ridiculous man. 

“We’ll see.” Junhui winked at him and settled back between Wonwoo’s legs. 

Junhui poured the lube on his fingers and rubbed them together. He then circled Wonwoo’s rim and Wonwoo clenched in anticipation. The intrusion of the first finger burned. It had been a while, after all. But Junhui was quick to act and he brought his mouth near Wonwoo’s dick. He flattened his tongue and licked a stripe from base to tip. Wonwoo twitched and Junhui ran his mouth from head to the base and back up, creating the perfect wet suction for Wonwoo. Meanwhile, Junhui thrust his finger in and out, letting Wonwoo get used to it. He inserted his second finger and scissored them in. Wonwoo could only gasp deliciously as Junhui simultaneously sucked his dick leaving behind trails of saliva.

It wasn’t until Junhui was three fingers deep inside Wonwoo, that Wonwoo truly couldn’t control his moans. Junhui curled in his fingers and finally rubbed against the spot that had Wonwoo mewling for more. Wonwoo was on sensory overload and could only moan uncontrollably and tug at Junhui’s hair in absolute pleasure. Wonwoo was on the edge and wanted to come so bad. Just when he thought he was reaching his peak, Junhui removed his fingers leaving Wonwoo’s ass gaping and pulled back from Wonwoo’s cock with a pop, the string of saliva still attached to his bottom lip. He made a ring with his finger around the base of Wonwoo’s dick and put some pressure. 

“I’m not done with you. You can’t come.” Junhui said. 

Wonwoo was clearly irritated at having been denied his orgasm. “Then get on with it!” He pulled on Junhui’s soft brown hair so that it was more painful than pleasurable. Junhui winced in pain but got up so that he could remove his bottoms and put on a condom.

Junhui laid back down and lined himself up to Wonwoo. Junhui didn’t push in slowly and Wonwoo grimaced in pain. But it was a welcome pain and Wonwoo liked it when it hurt. Junhui looked at where they both met and had a fascinating expression on his face. 

“I didn’t imagine this would ever happen.” Junhui mused dumbly. 

Wonwoo chuckled and threw a nearby pillow towards Junhui’s face. “Would you fucking move?”

Junhui raised his head and looked at Wonwoo with a stern face. There was something in his eyes that made Wonwoo have heart palpitations. Wonwoo liked Junhui and was interested in his life. But he wouldn’t say that he had romantic feelings for Junhui. Whatever was happening at the moment was strictly physical in Wonwoo’s mind. There was another voice inside Wonwoo telling him to own the man above him. To take everything the man had to offer - his mind, body and soul. 

Wonwoo didn’t want to love. Love ruins everything. Wonwoo was ruined by love before and he couldn’t afford that again. People do all kinds of foolish things when in love. All the loss in a human’s life comes from the feeling of love. So when you don't love, you don’t lose anything.

Junhui started rocking into Wonwoo very slowly, gazing at him with predatory eyes. Wonwoo didn’t shy away from his gaze and looked back at him with equal intensity. Junhui leaned down and kissed Wonwoo while increasing his pace. Wonwoo hated how good Junhui’s kisses made him feel. He tangled his fingers in Junhui’s hair and deepened the kiss as the pleasure kept spreading through his entire body. Junhui kneeled back up and pulled Wonwoo towards him by his thighs, pounding into him at a brutal pace which was definitely going to hurt Wonwoo. But at the moment, Wonwoo freely moaned for more while gripping the pillows tightly behind him. 

“Jun-ah. Let me, hah, ride you.” Wonwoo said.

Junhui pulled out immediately and sat back on the mattress leaning against the wall. Wonwoo crawled back up and straddled Junhui while slowly sinking down on Junhui’s cock. Wonwoo was finally in his element, controlling the pace. Wonwoo settled his hands on Junhui’s shoulders for support and rocked up and down while changing the position of his hips until he found the perfect angle. His knees were aching as his thighs exerted a lot of effort, but Wonwoo loved the burn. Wonwoo’s moans became louder and he was sure the neighbours could hear him, but he didn’t care. The house was filled with Wonwoo’s moans, Junhui’s grunts and the slapping of their balls which became filthier by the slick of the lube. 

Junhui couldn’t sit still for long as he bucked his hips upward and Wonwoo threw his head back in absolute pleasure. Wonwoo looked back down at Junhui and saw a sneer on his lips. A thought that maybe Junhui considered that he owned Wonwoo didn’t sit well with him. Nobody could possess Wonwoo. So, Wonwoo wrapped his palms around Junhui’s neck and lightly put pressure on it. Junhui’s eyebrows knitted together instantly as his breathing increased. Wonwoo was mesmerised with the quick rise and fall of Junhui’s chest and increased the pressure. Junhui closed his eyes as he struggled to breathe properly yet he brought his hands and stroked Wonwoo’s dick fervently. The sight in front of him and the pleasure coursing through his veins did it for Wonwoo as he leaned down and laid his chin on Junhui’s shoulders. He came so hard that he saw white behind his eyelids and bit down on Junhui’s shoulder to muffle his scream. He bit down so hard that when he leaned back, he saw a trickle of blood ooze out. 

Junhui switched their positions immediately after that so that Wonwoo was back underneath him while he kneeled over Wonwoo and pulled out the condom. He tugged at his dick rapidly, pulling on his foreskin. When Junhui finally came, he aimed his shot at Wonwoo’s chest and stomach, painting him with it. Wonwoo was too lost in the afterglow to mind. He even swiped the cum with his fingers and brought it to his mouth to suck at it. 

“That was some good fucking,” Wonwoo commented leisurely. 

Junhui laughed at Wonwoo’s comment and got up. He headed downstairs probably to clean himself. 

“Hey, when you come up, could you bring my phone and glasses?” Wonwoo asked.

“Sure.”

While Wonwoo laid there, he considered his next set of actions. Should he sleep in here or go back to his apartment? There were two sets of mattresses and it was way more comfortable than the couch back in his apartment. As much as Wonwoo didn’t like admitting, his ass was sore and his body was aching. It would be stupid to walk back home in his state. 

Junhui came back up wearing track pants and gave Wonwoo a washcloth. He placed Wonwoo’s phone and glasses on his side then laid down on the other side of the mattress. 

“You won’t mind if I smoke, right?” Wonwoo asked.

“Nah, knock yourself out,” Junhui replied airily, busy using his phone. 

After Wonwoo cleaned himself up, he crawled to get his pants to retrieve a pack of cigarettes and lighter. He took out one stick and then extended the pack towards Junhui. 

Junhui shook his head. “I don’t smoke.” 

“Then won’t the smell bother you?” 

“It’s okay. I don’t smoke, but I like the smell of burnt tobacco. I’m weird that way.” Junhui shrugged.

“You are weird. The weirdest man I’ve ever encountered.” 

“Talk about yourself! I had to apply an ointment on this fucking bite because it wouldn’t stop bleeding!” Junhui pointed at his shoulder where Wonwoo’s teeth indentation was still fresh. “And the choking? Next time, let me know about your kinks in advance so that I’m prepared.” 

Wonwoo lit his cigarette and took a long drag. So Junhui was hoping for 'next time'. Not that Wonwoo minded it anyway. That was some good fucking and Wonwoo wouldn’t mind getting down every often. 

“I’m gonna crash here if that’s okay with you,” Wonwoo said.

“Be my guest.”

Wonwoo checked his phone to see a message from Jihoon, asking about his whereabouts. Wonwoo typed back his reply - _‘getting laid’,_ and switched off his phone.

Wonwoo dozed off easily.

  
  


***

  
  


Wonwoo stirred awake in the middle of the night. It wasn’t completely dark as the lights from the window still illuminated the apartment and Junhui had no curtains. Still, Wonwoo’s eyes took a while to adjust and he found himself in a compromising position. Junhui was sleeping on his back which was a normal position. But his right hand extended towards Wonwoo and Wonwoo was using that hand as his pillow. Wonwoo lifted himself up quietly using his elbows as support, then shifted Junhui’s arms close to his body carefully so that he wouldn’t wake. He grabbed a pillow and settled down on it. 

Wonwoo looked back at Junhui. There was something very intimate about watching another man sleep. Even more intimate than the act of sexual intercourse. Junhui slept peacefully and Wonwoo saw how sharp and tall his nose bridge was. How he slept with parted lips. He was the kind of person who slept with their eyes partially open which would be scary to other people, but Wonwoo found it cute. The gentle rise and dip of his chest and the bite on his right shoulder that had turned the surrounding area black and blue. 

The bite signified that for the time being, Jeon Wonwoo owned Wen Junhui.

Wonwoo smiled like the cat that swallowed the canary. He turned around and tried to go back to sleep.

  
  


***

  
  


Few days after Wonwoo submitted his draft, he got a call from Soonyoung. 

“Wonwoo, I see the vision! It’s great, very intense, just what the audience would like.” Soonyoung cheered through the phone. Wonwoo wondered where Soonyoung got so much energy to be so pumped up all the time.

“Thanks, I try my best.” 

“So, when can I expect the complete book?” 

“I don’t know, Soonyoung. I’m sure your company already has a date.” Wonwoo deadpanned.

“Yeah.” Soonyoung drawled. “They expect the end result by April-end.” 

April-end meant Wonwoo had a little under two months to finish his book. Or maybe one because the editing could take up a month. 

“I’ll mail the book to you for editing when I finish it,” Wonwoo said.

“Sounds good to me! Have a good day, Wonwoo!” 

Wonwoo ended the call and sat back on the couch in his apartment. He flicked the ash off the cigarette and took another long drag letting the smoke fill up his lungs. He exhaled the smoke and traced a few rings with his fingers. It was very uncharacteristic of Wonwoo, but he was bored. After the first night, Wonwoo and Junhui had sex every day so Wonwoo’s evenings were mostly spent at Junhui’s apartment. He was so glad when he learnt that Junhui was a switch like him because it was exhilarating to watch Junhui crumble on his fingers. 

They both were open to experimenting and they fucked everywhere (limited to Junhui’s apartment only) and in all the ways that they could manage. Whether it was under the cramped shower, the small counter of the kitchen area, against the big window or on the floor which hurt because it didn’t have a carpet, they would fuck each other. Wonwoo was the one who had way more kinks than Junhui, but he was open to everything and just there to enjoy the ride. 

Tonight though, Junhui had cancelled on Wonwoo because he was going drinking with Seungkwan and Mingyu. So, Wonwoo was stuck at home waiting for Jihoon to come back so that they could order some food and eat. 

A ridiculous notion came into Wonwoo’s mind that suggested he might be addicted to his muse. Addictions were a strange thing. According to scientists, they meant compulsive attachment to something which technically had harmful consequences. Take Wonwoo’s smoking as an example. His brain had wired itself in a way that Wonwoo craved the sweet release of nicotine and went ballistic if he had to stay away from it for too long. It was better to smoke than suffer through terrible headaches and mood swings. Cigarettes helped Wonwoo feel good, feel better and do better. Junhui had told Wonwoo about Seungkwan’s addiction to caffeine and it was very similar to his, albeit less harmful and more people-friendly addiction.

But then there were writers and poets who had a different meaning for addiction and this was where Wonwoo’s perception of the word conflicted. They romanticised the word and compared the behaviour of a human in love similar to the behaviour of a person addicted to a substance. Thus, the term _love drug_ came to the usage for intense love. But the thing was they hardly ever talked about the terrible consequences. It focused on how they crave the touch of their significant person and how they want more and the concept of living without their person was terrifying. The only terrible consequence was a heartbreak and Wonwoo refused to go through that again. 

So, when he thought that he might be addicted to Junhui, none of the two definitions fit right with the thing that he was feeling. Wonwoo was confused and still didn’t understand how he really felt about Junhui. 

_‘Your touch is like a catalyst_

_which increases the flow of my blood_

_and thaws the coldness of my soul._

_Beware, my lovely_

_do not cross my threshold limit_

_because if you do_

_then it would be disastrous._

_Love is only a chemical reaction._

_One day this love pill could make me euphoric._

_The next day this love pill could end my life.’_

Jihoon entered the apartment and Wonwoo abandoned that thought process for the time being. 

“Oh? You’re home?” Jihoon didn’t even try to hide his utter shock.

“Am I not allowed to be home?” 

Jihoon walked towards his room. “No, I’m surprised. That’s all.” 

Wonwoo’s interaction with Jihoon had minimised recently because as Jihoon put it, Wonwoo was rarely home in the evenings and Jihoon worked the whole day. When Wonwoo managed to get back to his apartment, Jihoon was already asleep.

“I ordered pizza,” Jihoon said while walking out of his room in slippers and pyjamas.

“I like it.” 

Jihoon took out a can of cola and sat on the couch. “So, you’re dating?” 

Wonwoo choked on his own saliva. Wonwoo coughed to clear the blockage and got up to get himself a glass of water. Jihoon, on the other hand, showed no sympathy.

“No! I’m not dating!” Wonwoo denied sporting an offended expression. 

“Ah! Do I really need to play dumb here?” Jihoon asked impassively. 

Wonwoo sighed. There was no point in trying to fool Jihoon. But he also didn’t want to let Jihoon know that it was with Junhui. Yes, Wonwoo knew that those two were also talking on the down-low. Wonwoo hated awkwardness and he would like to avoid it for as long as possible. 

“It’s just a sex thing,” Wonwoo admitted honestly because that was the absolute truth. Wonwoo was sure that there was no mutual romantic interest and this whole thing would end in a few months' time when Junhui would find himself a better, more worthy guy.

“So, they cancelled today?”

“Why can’t it be me who cancelled?” Wonwoo argued. 

Jihoon didn’t reply but just looked at him with the eyes that conveyed the message loud and clear. They both knew that Wonwoo wouldn’t cancel and Wonwoo was the type of guy who would cancel real, important affairs for sex.

“Yeah, he cancelled.” Wonwoo conceded.

“And now you’re stuck with me?” 

“Unfortunately.”

Jihoon took a deep breath and then took a big sip from his can. He closed his eyes and stretched his neck. “Don’t expect me to suck your dick.” 

“Fuck off!”

  
  


***

  
  


A few days later, Wonwoo was alone in the apartment on a Sunday afternoon. Jihoon had told him that he was going out to meet some friends so Wonwoo had the apartment to himself. 

Wonwoo had almost reached the end of his novel and he couldn’t believe that he was about to finish his job well before the deadline. At almost ninety thousand words, Wonwoo was convinced that this was the best thing he had ever written. The story had completely possessed Wonwoo and he wrote seven to eight thousand words daily. If he wasn’t writing the story on his laptop, then he was either sleeping or at Junhui’s place. 

When the sun sank lower in the sky, the light of the day drained away and street lights switched on, Wonwoo finally finished his novel and texted Soonyoung to call him tomorrow. 

He started playing around with the idea of texting Junhui as the completion of his book called for celebration and he thought that grabbing dinner and a few drinks at a bar with him would be a good idea. But a few moments later, Junhui texted him first. _‘Get well soon, Wonwoo!’_

Wonwoo was confused. What was Junhui on about? _‘What happened to me?’_

_‘Jihoon came by to visit me in the afternoon and I asked why you didn’t accompany him.’_

_‘He told me that you were sick. So don’t act dumb with me!’_

_‘I told Jihoon I’ll go and visit you but he told me that it is contagious and I shouldn’t come near you.’_

_‘So I can only send my best wishes for now!’_

Wonwoo took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes to make sure that he read the messages correctly. Wonwoo felt a hundred emotions spinning around in his head. The biggest one of them all was _betrayal._ Jihoon lied to Junhui about Wonwoo’s welfare and he also lied to Wonwoo about his whereabouts. What was Jihoon trying to achieve through all these lies?

Wonwoo replied back to Junhui. _‘I think Jihoon might’ve exaggerated a bit. I feel fine now, don’t worry.’_

_‘I’ll swing by your apartment later, see you.’_

Wonwoo waited for Jihoon to come back to the apartment because he needed to confront him before the matter got worse somehow. He didn’t have to wait for long because Jihoon came back by 6 in the evening.

Jihoon just nodded at Wonwoo and headed towards his room. He had an odd smile on his face that Wonwoo wasn’t used to seeing very often. 

“Where were you?” Wonwoo asked calmly.

Jihoon wasn’t perturbed by the question and shouted his answer from inside his room. “I told you! Got some lunch with friends.”

“Why are you lying?” 

Jihoon came back out of his room and stood near his door. “What are you on about?” 

“Junhwi messaged me. I don’t remember being sick today.” 

Jihoon sighed and walked towards Wonwoo. “Okay fine! I’m sorry I lied. I just wanted to meet Jun-ah by myself.” Jihoon confessed while looking down at his feet. His ears were turning red. 

Wonwoo still had a hard time figuring out Jihoon’s intentions. “Why?”

Jihoon exclaimed in frustration. “Because I’m interested in him! So please, be my wingman!”

“Wingman?” Wonwoo was repulsed by the thought of any other man, let alone Jihoon, be with Junhui. Junhui belonged to him. As long as Wonwoo and Junhui were having their thing, nobody could even think of dating Junhui. 

“Yes!” Jihoon looked back at Wonwoo and his eyes were filled with glee. Wonwoo didn’t want to take that away from him, but Wonwoo was not only selfish, he was also a cruel man.

“You can’t date him,” Wonwoo said gravely.

Jihoon’s expression fell and he looked confused. “What? Why?”

“Jun is the guy I have my sex thing with,” Wonwoo replied.

Jihoon froze over Wonwoo’s information and stood there without speaking a word. When he finally gathered his bearings he took a few steps back and leaned back on the wall. “I fucking hate you.”

Before Wonwoo could defend himself Jihoon continued, “I wouldn’t have made a fool of myself if you told me this before! Argh, I’m cringing so hard on the things I’ve said! Don’t talk to me Jeon Wonwoo!” Jihoon stormed into his room and locked it behind him. 

Wonwoo thought he deserved that. But he didn’t imagine that Jihoon could be interested in that guy too. Wonwoo went back to sit on the couch and waited. The thing was Wonwoo knew Jihoon like the back of his hand. They’ve had arguments before so this wasn’t new. 

When the bell rang after a few minutes, Jihoon trudged out of his room and sat with Wonwoo. The thing with Jihoon was that he got mad easily and quickly. Jihoon got mad at things that gave him discomfort no matter how big or small they were. But he couldn’t hold grudges. His anger was volatile. Once he had impulsively expressed his anger, he calmed down just as quickly. People around him usually felt like they walked on eggshells for fear of triggering his rage. Wonwoo was just used to his explosive episodes. 

“Am I allowed to have a platonic relationship with him? Because I’ve promised to hang out with him at a few places and he seemed quite excited about it.” Jihoon asked while taking a bite from his slice of pizza. 

“Don’t be ridiculous! Of course, you can be his friend.” Wonwoo replied honestly. 

They both ate their pizza in silence. 

“By the way, I finished my book,” Wonwoo told Jihoon while trying to steal his can of cola.

“Wow! That was fast!” Jihoon gave him a look that showed how impressed he was. Wonwoo just gave him a cheeky grin.

“Wonwoo, what’s your take on your relationship with Jun?” Jihoon asked after clearing out the table.

Wonwoo considered the question for a while. What Wonwoo had with Junhui at the moment was great. Junhui didn’t cling onto Wonwoo and gave him space to think while keeping him inspired at the same time. They didn’t need to have any unnecessary conversation just to fill the silence. They rarely ever disagreed over anything. 

Wonwoo hated getting poetic over this, but if he had to describe it, then it was like Wonwoo had been sitting in a dark room all his life and now someone had provided him with a light. When he tried to investigate this source of light, Junhui was the one standing there.

Wonwoo finally gave his two cents, “There are two alternatives to how this could go. It could either be the beginning of something great or it could be the end of everything.” He got up from the couch. He needed to get ready so that he could leave the house and meet Junhui. “I’m leaning more towards the end.”

Jihoon squinted his eyes and judged Wonwoo for being so pessimistic. “I hope it isn’t the latter one,” Jihoon said when Wonwoo got out of the washroom, changed into new clothes, ready to leave. 

Wonwoo mentally laughed at Jihoon’s optimism. “Jihoon, people like Junhwi aren’t meant to stay in one's life for a long time. We both are temporary entities in his life. He’ll move on after he finds something better. Let’s not get too attached and just enjoy the present moment.” 

Jihoon silently watched Wonwoo leave the apartment. 

_‘I’m supposed to be good with words,_

_but I can’t convey my feelings._

_Silence is our default communication,_

_but we sing together in between the sheets._

_My lips have mastered the art of lying,_

_but my body still betrays my efforts._

_So when I tell you lies after lies,_

_I’m hoping that you can discover the truth_

_by seeing how my body and lips tremble_

_under your fire touch -_

_Don’t walk away,_

_Stay with me.’_

  
  


***

  
  


Wonwoo didn’t understand where he was. He even doubted if he was standing somewhere or just floating in the air. The room (he wasn’t even sure if it really was a room) was completely white. The walls were completely blank, the room was empty, and there was no sound or movement. Wonwoo stood alone, confused as to how he got there.

He tried walking to reach the end of the room, but after a while gave up because it was futile. It was too quiet and even when Wonwoo liked to be alone by himself at times, he felt scared at the idea of being alone in a place like this. Wonwoo was lost and he couldn’t figure his way out. 

After what felt like an eternity, something made its way towards Wonwoo. Wonwoo was pretty sure that thing wasn’t human. It looked like a black humanoid entity when it reached near Wonwoo. Its face was blank and had no eyes, nose or lips. It didn’t even have ears. The only reason Wonwoo called it a humanoid was because it had arms and legs. 

It stood tall in front of Wonwoo. Normally, Wonwoo would be scared gutless after facing such a being, but something inside Wonwoo told him to stand still. 

The entity opened its mouth and revealed its teeth. Funnily enough, it looked like the entity was grinning. “Who are you?” The entity spoke and it didn’t sound like a single voice. Multiple voices of men and women echoed together.

“Where am I?” Wonwoo asked back.

The entity stayed quiet for a minute. It finally opened its mouth again. “What is your name?”

“What are you supposed to be?” Wonwoo asked back again instead of answering.

“Is this how humans work? When a question is asked then you reply back with another question? No wonder there is so much chaos in the human world. Everyone is seeking solutions, but no one is willing to give one.” The entity said.

“Very well. I will entertain your questions. You are where reality meets the dream. I am known as the absolute truth.” The entity answered.

Wonwoo tried to make sense of the things that he was hearing. Did he somehow die? Was this the afterlife? Or was he dreaming? 

“I’m Jeon Wonwoo.” 

The entity bent down and brought its face close to Wonwoo’s. Now that Wonwoo saw clearly, his body wasn’t completely black. There were tiny objects that were twinkling. It almost looked like he was looking at space through its body.

”What is your biggest fear?” The entity questioned Wonwoo.

Fear? Was Wonwoo supposed to answer seriously? He wanted to ridicule the entity at that moment. He decided to give him an honest answer. 

“Impermanence.”

“I’m afraid you are not ready.” The entity said while turning around and walking away.

Wonwoo, on the other hand, started falling into the endless expanse of stark whiteness.

  
  


Wonwoo woke up as if it was an emergency. He was gasping for air and his heart was beating too fast. It was still dark and he tried to gather where he was. Junhui was sleeping beside him and it was his apartment. Wonwoo woke up from sleep and he hadn’t felt this tired in weeks. In the moment of weakness, he shifted towards Junhui and encircled his arms around Junhui’s torso. He buried his head in Junhui’s neck. The warmth radiating off Junhui calmed Wonwoo.

Just before he was falling back to sleep, Junhui shifted in his sleep and brought his left hand to wrap around Wonwoo’s body. He turned his head and Wonwoo felt a ghost of a kiss on his forehead. Before Wonwoo could react, sleep had already claimed him. 

  
  


***

  
  


In mid-late March, Wonwoo was sitting in Soonyoung's office, holding a cup of coffee in his hand. Soonyoung had called Wonwoo because he wanted to show him the designs that the graphics department had sent over for Wonwoo’s novel. 

“You think this book will sell?” Wonwoo asked Soonyoung. As the days passed on, Wonwoo started to hate the story that he wrote. He was feeling very insecure over it. He was also bothered by the nightmare that he had a few nights ago which had been haunting him, but he didn’t want to reveal it to Soonyoung. 

“I have complete faith it would. Even my seniors are raving about this book Wonwoo!” Soonyoung assured Wonwoo. “Now are any of these illustrations good?” 

Wonwoo looked at them and he saw how the designer had created these intricate designs for the book. Wonwoo just wanted it simple. “Soonyoung, I trust your judgement. You decide what would be best.” Wonwoo said while sipping his cup of coffee.

“That’s not how it works man. Work with me here!” Soonyoung tried to reason with Wonwoo and Wonwoo randomly pointed to a design.

“Are you sure that’s good?” Soonyoung looked at the design with an unimpressed look and his lips formed a pout.

“Soonyoung!” Wonwoo roared in frustration.

“Fine! I’ll figure it out. Now get out of my office, I’m very busy.” Soonyoung dismissed Wonwoo and got back to his work.

  
  


Earlier, Wonwoo had got a message from Junhui asking him to meet at a cafe in _Mapo_ in the evening. So, Wonwoo took the bus. He sat in the back row and looked out of the window. Even when Wonwoo came from Changwon, which in itself was a proper city, there was something different about Seoul. There was so much vibrancy around yet Wonwoo could only see it in monotone. The city was sinking in its toxicity yet people kept flocking to this place. Everyone was running to get somewhere, but Wonwoo wondered if they were satisfied once they reached their destination. 

Wonwoo stood outside the cafe and saw the ambience of the place from outside. It didn’t take him long to notice Junhui sitting at a table near one of the windows. He was using his phone and sitting alone. Yet, strangely enough, he didn’t look like a loner. He also noticed how people kept stealing glances of him and Wonwoo thought for the first time that maybe Junhui really was a rather good looking man. There was something about his aura that attracted everyone, but they couldn’t get too close to him. 

_Was Wonwoo supposed to be Icarus in this story and Junhui, the Sun? Would Junhui melt away the wax that would make Wonwoo plummet to his death in the sea?_

Wonwoo walked inside the restaurant and sat opposite Junhui. When Junhui finally noticed his presence, he gave him a welcoming smile. Wonwoo tried to smile back, but he was sure it looked more like a grimace. 

They ordered milk tea and waited in silence. A server finally came by with their drinks after a while. Wonwoo was busy appreciating the taste of the drink when Junhui spoke. “I ran away from home.”

Oh? Was he finally getting the background story he had been trying to extract from Junhui for so many days? Would he be able to see past the fog in which Junhui had been hiding himself?

“I know it might come as a shock, but I was pursuing an engineering degree back in China,” Junhui said. Wonwoo could’ve never guessed Junhui even attended university, let alone pursue engineering out of everything else. Wonwoo lived with Jihoon and he knew it wasn’t easy. 

“I mean I was good at math so my father automatically declared that I would become an engineer. I even scored good enough marks to pass. But just because I was supposed to be good at it didn’t mean I liked it. I also had to study physics, chemistry and coding.” Junhui then muttered to himself which Wonwoo could easily hear. “Though I was good at coding. Maybe I should’ve pursued computer science instead of mechanical.”

Junhui shook his head and continued, “Anyway, I dropped out in my second year and I didn’t have the guts to face my father because he was really pissed. My mother did help me and sent me here in Korea to my aunt. My aunt is my mother’s younger sister. She’s the owner of the restaurant and gave me a job. I’ve been working at the restaurant for five years now.” 

Wonwoo never expected that Junhui was a person who ran away from his home. Even Wonwoo ran away from his home (though in the back of his mind it sounded like a lie). “Did you ever try to talk to your father again?” Wonwoo asked.

“No, he’s still angry. I talk to my mother and she tells me things related to home. But I’m not allowed to go back until I take my life seriously.” Junhui said forlornly. 

“Your father’s definition of serious?” Wonwoo asked to confirm. Junhui nodded.

“Why are you telling me this?” Wonwoo was confused as to how he earned his trust. Though Wonwoo kind of had a hunch, he didn’t want to believe it to be true.

“I wanted you to know.” Junhui shyly looked down and stared at his drink. 

Wonwoo was still curious and not satisfied. He didn’t want to pry further and look too eager, but his curiosity needed to be satisfied. Junhui was still young. Did he plan to work in the restaurant for the rest of his life? 

“What would you have done if you weren’t forced back then?” Wonwoo thought it was either now or never.

“I want to pursue actuarial science,” Junhui said while having this far off look in his eyes. 

“What’s stopping you?” 

“Money.” 

The universal problem. Everything started and ended because of it. All the humans lived in this material world and never tried to understand their existence. It’s funny when they say that money can’t buy love. It’s poetic in a way. But love can’t buy bread. It’s realistic. A human can survive without love. Yes, that life would be lonely and dull, but nevertheless, they’ll live. A human can not survive without food. Wonwoo’s hatred for this world was mainly because of the money he didn’t have. He wrote two books and didn’t even profit off of them. 

“I can’t ask my family for money and I can’t depend on my aunt for too long. So, I’m gathering money so that I can study in the future.” Junhui replied and Wonwoo could see the light and hope in his eyes.

Wonwoo was mesmerised by Junhui’s perseverance. He saw two sides of a similar situation. Wonwoo was isolated from his own family trying to make it on his own. But in the meantime, he slacked off when he needed to write and was freeloading off his best friend (bless his soul). Yet, Wonwoo expected that he deserved way more than he got and the world was just hating him. And then there was Junhui. He was also isolated from his family and trying to make it on his own. But he was working hard and living independently under his own conditions (even when the house was extremely small). Junhui didn’t expect anything from the world and felt that he didn’t deserve the attention and love that he got from people. 

Wonwoo hated how shallow and pathetic Junhui made him feel. Junhui was supposed to inspire him and not make him feel bad about his own way of thinking. 

_‘A person hides many truths_

_within themselves._

_No religion or science_

_could ever reveal_

_these hidden secrets._

_A human’s destruction_

_comes from within._

_Their existence is an act_

_of their misguided choices.’_

“I hope it works out.” Wonwoo gave Junhui his best fake smile. 

  
  


***

  
  


Wonwoo always thought that sex was a means for an end. It was great for stress release and it was better to hold on tight to another person while coming rather than just being by yourself and trying to find a release through masturbation. There was no need to have something amazing in the act as long as it got the job done. Most of the time though, Wonwoo questioned if it was really worth the few seconds of transcendence he achieved from it. It was either too dry and painful or there was too much inexperience for his liking. Some men were too soft and sought after emotional attachment in the act. 

Since he started having sex with Junhui, his thoughts had completely changed. The excitement lasted for the whole act and every time they were done, Wonwoo craved for more. Wonwoo lusted after Junhui. But it wasn’t just his body that he wanted. He sought for his warmth. He dreamt of his eyes. When Junhui spoke, all Wonwoo could see were his lips. The universe was painted on his body by his moles littered everywhere. Wonwoo saw perfection in his imperfect life. 

Wonwoo heard Junhui’s voice when he thought of his own name.

_‘Wonwoo, Won, Wonwon, Wonwoo-yah, Wonwoo, Wonwoo, Wonwoo’_

“Wonwoo, more!” Junhui begged while moaning. 

They were currently in Junhui’s apartment and Wonwoo was intoxicated by the way Junhui’s body quivered under his touch. Wonwoo wrapped Junhui’s legs around his waist to get a better angle. Junhui held Wonwoo’s face by the back of his ears and pulled him down to kiss him. It felt like Junhui was trying to suck Wonwoo’s soul out of him. At that moment, Wonwoo was willing to give his soul to Junhui.

Wonwoo increased his pace and Junhui broke the kiss to scream in pleasure. “Wonwoo! Fuck!” 

Wonwoo lips travelled down to his ear leaving soft and wet kisses all over the trail. “Jun-ah. I’m going to come inside.” Junhui let his legs fall back down and brought his hand to caress Wonwoo’s asscheek. He spanked Wonwoo between each thrust to bring Wonwoo closer to the edge. 

When Wonwoo felt Junhui wrapping his palm around his dick, he grabbed both of his wrists and pulled them above his head. Junhui responded by wrapping his legs back around Wonwoo’s waist. He let out a desperate whine and his whole body arched upwards. Wonwoo saw the tautness of Junhui’s stomach and how beautiful he looked moving up and down the mattress because of Wonwoo’s brutal onslaught. 

Wonwoo’s orgasm hit him in a burst. The feeling of coming inside Junhui felt so intense. It was like he was passing his climax on to Junhui and he had never felt so vulnerable in his life. Junhui gasped when he felt Wonwoo’s cum fill him up and he could only writhe under him trying to free his hands from Wonwoo’s iron grip. 

When Wonwoo finally came down from his high, he pulled out of Junhui and saw his cum trickle out into the sheets. Wonwoo kneeled down and took Junhui’s dick in his mouth. Junhui tangled his fingers in Wonwoo’s hair tugging at it just the way Wonwoo liked it. Wonwoo bobbed his head up and down and it didn’t take long till Junhui came as he was already way too wound up and on edge for a long time. Wonwoo felt the hot liquid hit the back of his throat as he swallowed. Junhui exhaled in pleasure above him.

“You didn’t make a mess. It’s great that we both got tested!” Wonwoo said cheekily.

Junhui kicked Wonwoo in retaliation. “I still have to change the sheets. And do you know how hard it is to get cum out of the asshole?” Junhui got up and went downstairs to get cleaned up. Wonwoo just laughed hard at his apparent misery. 

  
  


After they both cleaned up and changed the sheets, they laid on the mattress playing games on their phones. 

Wonwoo was finally getting the hang of the level when he felt Junhui poke his hip. Without removing his eyes from the game, he asked, “What?”

He got more fervent pokes in response. So, Wonwoo paused his game and turned his head to look at him. “What do you want?”

“Could you please get me a bottle from the fridge?” Junhui asked while fluttering his eyes.

Wonwoo squinted his eyes. “Get it yourself.”

“But Wonwoo!” Junhui whined. “I’m tired and pretty! Please?” He drawled.

“Are you trying to act cute to get me to do things?” Wonwoo asked suspiciously.

“Is it working?”

“No.”

Junhui knitted his eyebrows together and pouted. Wonwoo was strangely reminded of those goddamn cute abandoned kittens.

“Fuck! Fine!” Wonwoo got up to get the bottle. 

Wonwoo went to the kitchen area and retrieved the bottle from the fridge. He was mindlessly on his way up to the loft when his eyes landed on something familiar lying on Junhui’s desk. He went closer to inspect it. There lying on the desk was Wonwoo’s book. Wonwoo looked up on the shelf and saw his other book stacked between Junhui’s other books. 

“Jun!” Wonwoo called out.

“Yes?” 

“Come down!”

“What happened?” Junhui asked.

When Junhui got no reply from Wonwoo, he plodded down the steps. Wonwoo saw Junhui walk towards him with a confused expression.

“What is this?” Wonwoo asked, holding his book.

Junhui looked at the book in Wonwoo’s hands and replied, “Your book.”

“You read both of them?” 

“Yes.”

“Even when I asked you not to read them?” Wonwoo asked while throwing his book back on the desk. 

“Why are you mad? It’s a published book that is being sold. I bought it with my money. What’s the big deal?” Junhui asked incredulously.

“Why would you want to read them so badly?” 

“Shit, Wonwoo. I just wanted to see how your mind works. And, I felt so sad when I read that you really felt that bad.” Junhui came to Wonwoo and took him in his embrace. “I just hope I can make it hurt a little less.” 

The anger that was residing inside Wonwoo wanted to escape. Junhui’s words were like gasoline and the little flame inside him spread like wildfire. His eyes turned red, his heart started beating faster and he felt the blood in every single vein of his body boiling, wanting to explode. 

He pushed Junhui and he fell backwards because of the force. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Wonwoo yelled at him. “Do you think you could be some hero in my story and save me from my tormented life? Get your head out of your ass! I don’t need to be saved by somebody who ran away from his own house like a fucking coward!” 

“Wonwoo,” Junhui called his name meekly. He didn’t even bother to get up and just sat on the floor and took Wonwoo’s words. 

“What are you doing with your life, huh? Working in your aunt’s restaurant and living in this tiny dog house? Save yourself before you think of saving others, asshole!” 

“Wonwoo.” Junhui started crawling towards Wonwoo.

“Did you think we were dating? This is just sex, Jun.” Junhui tried to hold Wonwoo’s legs, but Wonwoo just kicked him and went up to gather his things. 

“Wonwoo, please. Calm down.” Junhui begged and his voice sounded forced like he was trying to hold back. He was trying to hold back from crying.

Wonwoo came back down and Junhui tried to stop him. Wonwoo just dodged his efforts and headed for the door. Before opening the door, Wonwoo looked back at Junhui who had again fallen down on the floor and looked miserable. “I’m ending whatever this was. Goodbye.” 

And just like that, Wonwoo was gone.

_‘All I see is red._

_All I hear is thunder._

_All I speak is poison._

_Danger when short of one letter_

_turns into anger._

_This anger is dangerous._

_It slashes scars inside the body_

_that can’t be seen by an outsider._

_I hope the pain will be deep enough_

_so that you understand that_

_running away from me_

_is for the best.’_

  
  


***

  
  


In the beginning of April, Wonwoo visited Soonyoung’s office to check out the sample book that he had got printed. Wonwoo held the book in his hands and felt good for the first time after the horrible night he ended things with Junhui.

“Thank you, Soonyoung. I don’t know how I would’ve managed without you.” Wonwoo confessed.

“It would’ve been impossible. We help authors with self-publishing and usually expect them to give us everything. But you make me do a lot of work which isn’t technically in my job profile and I have to really use a lot of my contacts. But that’s because I love you, man.” Soonyoung casually said while reading the mail on his laptop. 

It was true. Wonwoo made Soonyoung do a lot of his work. He thought if he didn’t have Jihoon and Soonyoung in his life, then his life would’ve been drastically different. Just the presence of two people in his life affected him astronomically. What would’ve happened if he allowed a third person in? Wonwoo shook his head at the thought. Junhui was bound to leave Wonwoo no matter what happened. Wonwoo just saved himself from a terrible heartbreak. 

But if Wonwoo had saved himself from the inevitable, why did his heart still ache?

“When is it gonna be released?” Wonwoo asked.

“Well, probably by June. It’ll go in printing by the first week of May and should be ready to be released by June end, I believe.” Soonyoung answered while looking at his calendar stuck on the wall of his cabin.

“So, I’m free?”

“For now.”

  
  


That evening, Wonwoo and Jihoon sat on the couch and watched a movie on Netflix. Wonwoo wasn’t really interested in the movie as his mind was distracted. In Wonwoo’s defence, the movie was very boring. He looked out of the window and asked himself what he was doing? Having an existential crisis at the peak age of 26 was not exactly what Wonwoo needed. 

“You broke up with Jun.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. Wonwoo turned to look at Jihoon who was still looking at the laptop screen.

“We weren’t dating,” Wonwoo said because it was true. They weren’t dating. It was meant to be just sex and companionship. 

“You’re a fucking idiot. You said some mean things.” Jihoon rebuked.

“You talked to him?” Wonwoo hadn’t told Jihoon anything so his knowledge simply meant that Junhui might have complained about it to Jihoon. 

“I kind of had to. He needed my help.” 

“What help?” 

Jihoon got up and went to his room. He returned with an envelope in his hands. 

“Wonwoo, I know we’ve talked about this in the past and had big fights over it, but this has gone for too long.” Jihoon looked at Wonwoo with a stern expression and for a small man, Jihoon had the ability to look scary at times. But now, Wonwoo was confused. They had fought over a lot of things, but which one was Jihoon talking about?

“Just, Wonwoo you need help! Like professional help. You are so engrossed in living this melancholic life that you refuse to accept anything good! And then you complain that you don’t get anything good.” Jihoon relayed his thoughts.

Wonwoo was agitated by Jihoon’s words and got up to argue. “Jihoon, you won’t understand! You’re living a comforta-” 

Before Wonwoo could finish, Jihoon interrupted him. “Fuck you! You need to understand that because of your absurd beliefs, your brain has altered your memories. You choose to only believe in a past that fits your perception of a miserable, cold world!” 

“Altered my memories?” Wonwoo questioned in disbelief.

“Yes! Your life isn’t as unfortunate as you believe it to be.” Jihoon yelled and Wonwoo was pissed because what had he done to deserve such treatment.

“You don’t know anything about me.” Wonwoo admonished Jihoon.

“Yes, I do. I’ve talked to all the people you’ve kicked out of your life. Yes, you! Nobody abandoned you Wonwoo. You left everyone.” It was like a bucket of ice-cold water had been thrown on Wonwoo.

He tried to recollect all the times where people left and ignored him. His brain went all fuzzy and he couldn’t recall anything. Wonwoo felt a sharp throbbing pain behind his eyes and suddenly his head felt too heavy. It was like his neck couldn’t support the weight of his head anymore. He was hyperventilating and it was like someone was squeezing his heart from inside. And suddenly, his head which felt too heavy now felt lightweight and darkness claimed his vision. 

The last thing Wonwoo remembered was falling to the floor and hitting his head with the edge of the table. Somewhere, Jihoon’s scream was also there. 

  
  


***

  
  


Wonwoo felt the throbbing pain in his head before he opened his eyes. 

When he did manage to open his eyes, he saw that he was laying on Jihoon’s bed in his bedroom. Jihoon was sitting beside him and he was looking at Wonwoo with a concerned look. 

“Are you okay?” Jihoon asked.

Wonwoo sat up and leaned back on the headboard. The pain in his head increased because of the movement and he instinctively brought his palm to his head to soothe the pain. 

“My head hurts,” Wonwoo answered back.

Jihoon gave Wonwoo a pill and a glass of water. “It’s a painkiller. You hit your head when you fell. It’s bound to hurt like a bitch.”‘Jihoon commented.

“How long was I out?” 

“10 minutes. Are you sure we don’t need to go to the hospital?” 

Wonwoo shook his head. “Jihoon?” 

“Yeah?”

“I can’t remember anything. I can only remember telling myself all these things, but all the memories are fuzzy in my head.” Wonwoo confessed in utter despair.

“Your brain has blocked out the truth,” Jihoon explained it briefly.

“What truth, Jihoon?”

Jihoon took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He turned his face to look Wonwoo in the eyes and what he said next froze Wonwoo in disbelief.

“Your life was never miserable. You choose to believe that it is because you want to live the life of a _tortured artist.”_

And then, Jihoon narrated Wonwoo’s real-life story, the one he chose to block out from his memories because it didn’t fit his concept.

It went something like this:

Wonwoo had a very loving and fortunate childhood where his family loved him unconditionally and supported his dreams. They bought him all the books so that Wonwoo’s inspiration and creativity could be developed. His brother looked up to Wonwoo and always clung to him. Bohyuk boasted about Wonwoo and told the world how proud he was to have an elder brother like Wonwoo. Wonwoo came to Seoul, frivolously chasing after his dream to become a writer. Here, he cut off ties with his family as he thought they were smothering him with unwanted attention. After coming to Seoul, he met his first love, Choi Seungcheol, who loved and cherished Wonwoo unconditionally. Seungcheol supported Wonwoo when he needed funds to publish his first book. Everything was great until Seungcheol got down on his knees and asked Wonwoo to marry him. Wonwoo ran away from Seungcheol’s apartment and knocked on Jihoon’s door. The two books that he managed to get published didn’t fare well in the market because they were too dark and depressive and encouraged unhealthy coping mechanisms that didn’t attract the public. Wonwoo had a roof over his head and food to fill his stomach (because of Jihoon, bless his soul) and he was living a far better life than half the population of Seoul. 

“Seungcheol? I did that to him? And my family? Is this real?” Wonwoo was trembling. It felt like someone was strangling him and he couldn’t breathe. 

“Wonwoo. Calm down. Look at me. I’m here for you man.” Jihoon tried to console Wonwoo.

Wonwoo shifted towards Jihoon and buried his head in Jihoon’s lap. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t control his tears. The fact that all the things he believed to be true were based on delusions felt devastating. Wonwoo didn’t understand what was true anymore. 

Jihoon ran his hands through Wonwoo’s hair, scratching his head with his blunt nails. The movement helped with the pain that he had because of the injury. Wonwoo and Jihoon didn’t show much physical affection, but this was more than enough for Wonwoo. Wonwoo finally calmed down and he stopped crying. 

“Earlier, you brought an envelope. What was it about?” Wonwoo asked.

Jihoon paused his hand movements and Wonwoo heard him sigh. “It’s a letter from Junhwi. His Korean isn’t the best, so I helped him write it.”

“Where is it?” Wonwoo lifted his head to look at Jihoon.

“I don’t think you should read it right now.” Jihoon was clearly hesitating.

“No, I’m fine,” Wonwoo stated with conviction.

Jihoon got up from the bed and headed towards his desk where the envelope was placed. He retrieved it and handed it to Wonwoo. “I’ll be outside. Call me if you need me.” Jihoon said.

“Is it a love letter?” Wonwoo asked with an amused smile on his face.

Jihoon stood by the door and looked at the floor while answering. “No. It’s a wake-up call.” And left the room, closing the door behind him.

Wonwoo looked at the envelope and it was a plain white one with nothing written on it. It wasn’t even sealed. Wonwoo opened the flap and took out the paper which was folded in three parts. He unfolded the letter and read it.

_Jeon Wonwoo,_

_I’m not writing this letter for myself, but for your sake. I don’t want anything from you. I’m sorry for assuming things and thinking we meant something when really our relationship meant nothing to you. I thought I could save you. But you’re right. How can I save someone else when I can’t even fix my own pathetic life? Yes, I am a coward who ran away from my own home. And, I’m still running because my father refuses to see my face. At least I know how to appreciate the love I still receive from people. You, on the other hand, have abandoned everyone who tried to give you love._

_I tried to understand how your mind works. I talked to Jihoon and I also read your books. Wow, how did this happen Wonwoo? Why did your outlook become so negative? You told me you had a difficult life. I heard that it was completely opposite of what you think. Wonwoo how long are you going to live this way? You are loved, Wonwoo. You keep complaining that you deserve so much more than the world gives you. But the moment someone shows you a little bit of love, you turn their love into hate and run away. Always remember, there is a fine line between love and hate. Do you think love would be the reason for your downfall? No. It’s the hate that originates out of that love that will end you Wonwoo._

_Yes, I’m hurt and the pain that you caused me is too deep. Even so, I don’t want your apology and this is certainly not my apology. I just want you to open your eyes so that you don’t repeat the same things you did to me and ruin another human being._

_Moon Junhwi_

Wonwoo’s hands trembled and the letter shook with its tremors. His tear dropped on the letter and a wet blotch formed beside Junhui’s name. Wonwoo truly despised himself and believed that there couldn’t be a person crueller than him on this planet. 

“Jihoon!” Wonwoo called out.

Jihoon barged into the room with a panicked expression. “What happened?”

“I fucked up.”

“Ah, buddy you’ve fucked up a lot of things. You need to elaborate.” Jihoon said airily.

Wonwoo shot him a warning look that signified he was not in the mood for any humour. 

“Okay, sorry. But he doesn’t want an apology or you to chase after him. He just wants you to recover.” Jihoon reasoned with Wonwoo.

“There has to be something! I hurt him very badly Jihoon. Just like I hurt Seungcheol. How is he anyway?” Wonwoo asked while wiping the tears off his face.

“Last I heard, he was engaged with, wait let me check,” Jihoon said while grabbing his phone and checking something. “Hong Jisoo. Yeah, he’s fine and has moved on from you. He’s kind of happy it didn’t work with you because he wouldn’t have met his fiancé if he stayed with you.” Jihoon said while looking at his phone, narrating the texts he got from Seungcheol.

“Well, that’s good for him. I’ll still apologize to him later. But the thing with Junhui? Jihoon it’s still fresh! I need to do something about it.” Wonwoo implored desperately.

Jihoon thought for a moment. “Well, he wants you to fix yourself. Why don’t you do that?” 

“How?”

“You need to recover your repressed memories and only a professional can help you, Wonwoo,” Jihoon suggested.

Wonwoo nodded. He needed to bring the little boy back who lost his way because of a wrong interpretation back in his childhood. He needed to let everyone who loved him know that he would reconstruct the bridges that he had burned by his own hands. 

“My parents! I need to call them.” Wonwoo was clearly agitated by the revelation that he broke ties with his family. He couldn’t even remember why he thought it was such a good idea back then.

“Wonwoo, it’s late. Tomorrow. Just sleep for now on the bed. No need to sleep on the couch tonight.” 

Jihoon went out of the room to switch off all the lights of the apartment and came back to his room. He cleared up his bed of all the clutter and then laid down beside Wonwoo. Wonwoo thought he should start being truthful about his feelings starting that moment. Why wait for tomorrow?

“Jihoon?” 

“Mm?” Jihoon mumbled. It was dark, but the street lights illuminated the room. The window wasn’t as big as Junhui’s and it was covered with curtains. Nevertheless, the light still trickled in through the gaps. Wonwoo saw Jihoon’s eyes were closed. 

“I love you,” Wonwoo confessed without any ill intention. 

It was dark, but Wonwoo saw the blush creep over Jihoon’s ears and cheeks. He turned his body away from Wonwoo.

“I love you, Wonwoo.” 

Even when everything felt like a nightmare, Wonwoo slept with a smile on his face and hope in his heart.

  
  


***

  
  


_‘I was a fool_

_who was chasing after the time._

_Living in my fantasy_

_I forgot we were born to die._

_I wanted to be remembered,_

_but nothing is meant to last forever._

_Teach me to live in the present_

_and keep me alive in your memories._

_So that I could die in peace_

_knowing that I meant something_

_to somebody.’_

Wonwoo was woken by the rays of sunlight hitting his face. He opened his eyes only to close them again because of the glare of the sun. He turned his face and burrowed himself in the warm sheets. It was refreshing to wake up in a proper bed for once. He got up and saw Jihoon was not in the room. He checked his phone to realise that it was 8 in the morning. 

Wonwoo walked out of the room to find Jihoon sitting on the couch drinking coffee. Wonwoo walked to the kitchen to help himself with a mug too.

“I’m on leave today. We can leave whenever you’re ready.” Jihoon was talking about visiting the psychiatrist. It was scary to think that there was something wrong with him, but he needed to do this not only for his benefit but the benefit of people around him.

“Jihoon, I know what I need to do,” Wonwoo announced out of the blue.

Jihoon was confused but nonetheless entertained him. “What?”

“I’m writing a memoir. It’s all in my head already. I have about three weeks to write and edit this and send it to Soonyoung.” Wonwoo said.

“I don’t understand.” 

“Soonyoung needed the final book by April end and he got it before time. Now, I’m gonna ask him to delay that book and publish this one that I’m gonna write instead.” Wonwoo said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. 

Jihoon knew that Wonwoo had the potential to write a crazy amount of words in a few days, but he just did that thing a few days ago. This could end up as a disaster.

“Why do you want to do that?” Jihoon asked, completely befuddled by Wonwoo’s decision.

Wonwoo smiled at him and for the first time in a while, Wonwoo felt good smiling. His smile wasn’t forced like always, but genuine. “I want people to know that people like me exist. I want to let them know that recovery is possible.” Wonwoo then meekly added. “It’s my apology.” 

  
  
  


Wonwoo was sitting on a sofa, too luxurious for his taste. He was in a room and in front of him, sat a handsome man on a sturdy chair with a notepad and pen in his hands. They were the only ones in the room. Jihoon was waiting outside the room. 

Wonwoo had relayed his life story to the man, the nameplate outside his room had Yoon Jeonghan engraved on it. The doctor was writing on his notepad seriously, fixing his glasses every once in a while. 

“Wonwoo? Can I call you Wonwoo?” Jeonghan asked. Wonwoo nodded.

“Okay, you can call me hyung,” Jeonghan assured Wonwoo.

“Okay, from what I can gather, you have a rare mental illness known as _Delusional disorder._ Basically, you have these strong false beliefs that have altered your life to an inexplicable extent. It is a stable disorder and does not interfere with your reasoning and this is the reason why it has gone unnoticed for so long. You live like any other person lives. The causes of this disorder are usually unknown, but judging from your recollection, it might be influenced by your fears and past judgements.” Jeonghan explained to Wonwoo.

The illness was rare, but it was valid. “I understand. Can it be cured? And, what about the memories that I have blocked out?” Wonwoo asked.

“We will start individual psychotherapy and see how everything goes from there. I don’t think antipsychotics would be needed in your case, but I can't be too sure. We’ll see as the treatment progresses. As far as the repressed memories go, I can’t guarantee, but hypnosis, sedatives and probing questions could work. But the best option would be to talk to the people who were involved with those memories. They can trigger something that might help you to recall it.” Jeonghan said. 

He took off his glasses and looked Wonwoo with a sympathetic look. “I know that you've isolated yourself from these people, but from what I concluded, it seems you want to reconnect with these people, right?” 

“I do.”

“I’m sure you’ll recover fast. I’ll make sure of it. Word of advice, take it slow. Don’t burden yourself with too much recollection at once.” Jeonghan smiled at Wonwoo and Wonwoo felt better and hopeful for the first time in his adulthood.

  
  


In the evening, Wonwoo finally gathered his courage and rang the number of his house. _Ring, ring, ring._ He waited till someone finally picked up the call. 

“Hello?” It was Wonwoo’s mother.

Wonwoo was scared. What was he supposed to say? He hadn’t talked to his mother in over 5 years. It was a very long time, almost equal to 1800 days. Wonwoo was panicking. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. 

“Hello? Who’s calling?”

“Eomma?” Wonwoo spoke hesitantly.

“Wonwoo? Oh God! Wonwoo! Is that you, my son?” Wonwoo could hear the shock and worry in her voice. Wonwoo could hear she was holding back her tears.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t even know how to beg for forgiveness.” It didn’t matter because Wonwoo was also crying. Wonwoo heard her walking.

“It’s Wonwoo. He called us. He came back to us!” His mother bawled in front of Wonwoo’s father if he guessed correctly.

“Wonwoo? Son? Is that really you?” His suspicions were confirmed because Wonwoo heard his father’s voice on the phone now.

“I’m sorry, appa. I’m so sorry I left you all. I don’t deserve it, but please, accept me back.” Wonwoo begged helplessly.

That night, three people cried to their heart’s content and laid all their feelings out on a table. 

That night, a prodigal son finally returned home.

  
  
  


***

  
  


Two weeks later, Wonwoo finally finished writing his memoir. This time, he didn’t care if it sold well or not. He just wanted it out there and if this book could help even one person, Wonwoo would be happy to know that he had made his mark on someone. Most importantly, he wanted _Junhui_ to read it and let him know that their relationship meant so much to Wonwoo.

During his journey of writing this book, Wonwoo realised the significance of Junhui. The therapy sessions with Jeonghan also helped him to reach the conclusion. Wonwoo’s feelings for Junhui were too intense that even words failed him in describing them. Throughout his book, he left notes for Junhui and hoped that he would read this book and understand the trauma that Wonwoo went through and how incapable of love he was at that time. 

Now, he needed someone to edit the book, but this book was too personal and he had bared his heart and soul in this book. He didn’t want some random editor to go through this without understanding the messages behind it. Only one person came to his mind who could help him. His support system. His comrade. His _best friend._

Later in the evening after they had finished their dinner, they sat on the couch and Wonwoo told him about his appointment with Jeonghan. This was their thing now. Every single day, Jihoon would reveal a little of Wonwoo’s past and Soonyoung sometimes came by to help. Till now, Wonwoo could only remember the time he spent with his brother. He remembered how he adored Bohyuk and his brother came to him to learn about things. How they played video games together and talked about their lives with each other. Wonwoo missed his brother very much and regretted the fact that he couldn’t be a good role model for him.

“Jihoon, today is the night to celebrate! Grab a smoke with me.” Wonwoo extended the box towards Jihoon which had two sticks left in it. 

“No thanks. I’ve already had my share for today.” Jihoon rejected the gesture and shook his head.

“Come on! It’s a celebration!” Wonwoo urged.

“Fine. What are we celebrating? Did you really finish that book?” Jihoon asked while taking a stick out.

Wonwoo took the last one for himself and put it in his mouth. He grabbed the lighter and clicked it. Once. Twice. When the flame came on it, he lit his cigarette and inhaled the smoke. 

“Oh yes, I did finish it. But we aren’t celebrating that.” He said after removing the cigarette from his lips and then exhaling the smoke, giving the lighter to Jihoon.

Jihoon looked at him quizzically while lighting up his own cigarette. “Then what is the celebration for?”

“To my last cigarette!” Wonwoo said while raising the stick up in the air.

“Are you serious?” Jihoon asked incredulously.

“Absolutely. I bought chewing gum and hard candies as a replacement.” Wonwoo gestured towards his desk where there was a bag filled with gum and candies.

“It won’t be easy,” Jihoon warned him.

“I know it’s going to be very difficult. But I’ve got great motivation.” 

“What?”

“A better and healthier future.” 

Jihoon stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray placed on the coffee table. “Well then, I’m joining you on this journey.”

Wonwoo thought that all humans were born to die. But why must they shorten their lifespans by practising bad habits? People were so obsessed with ways to prevent their premature death that somewhere in that process, they forgot how to live.

“Jihoon, I’m gonna ask for a favour,” Wonwoo spoke up when Jihoon was finally retiring for the night. 

“Ask.”

“Can you please edit my book?” Wonwoo requested.

Jihoon looked at him like he had grown a second head. “Wonwoo, don’t trust me with this!”

“You’re the only one I trust!” Wonwoo pleaded. “Please, I’m begging you.” 

“How am I supposed to finish it in one week?” Jihoon put forward a valid question.

“I have faith in you.” 

_‘You make the feeling_

_of content turn into elation._

_You heal my tortured heart_

_and bring me out of sadness._

_You are irreplaceable,_

_I hope you know this._

_Your friendship feels like_

_I might’ve saved a country_

_in my past life_

_to have you by my side.’_

  
  


***

  
  


Jihoon delivered the edited version in three days. According to Jihoon, this was probably the best thing he ever read. This book was too raw and uncompromising. The imagery and symbolism haunted Jihoon’s conscience. That was the reason why he was able to complete it so quickly. 

They decided that meeting Soonyoung in person and telling him the change of their plans was a better option than calling him and giving him a panic attack. Wonwoo and Jihoon rode the bus to reach Soonyoung’s office. They asked the receptionist to let them meet him, but they didn’t have any prior appointment so Wonwoo had to call Soonyoung so that he could allow their entrance inside.

Wonwoo was very grateful for the fact that Jihoon accompanied him. As funny as it was, Soonyoung was afraid of Jihoon and if Soonyoung got mad over Wonwoo’s capricious decision, Jihoon would have his back.

“This is clearly a surprise,” Soonyoung said when the two men entered his cabin.

“I don’t have time to talk in circles. Please put the printing of my book on hold.” Wonwoo begged and kneeled in front of Soonyoung as soon as he entered. 

Soonyoung was perplexed and got up from his chair. “What the hell, Wonwoo? Don’t kneel! Stand up and talk properly!” Soonyoung bent down to help Wonwoo back up.

Jihoon took the matter in his own hands. “What he means is that he wrote another book and its release has a bigger priority. So, he wants you to release this new book first.” 

Soonyoung looked at Wonwoo with an unreadable expression. He walked back to his chair and sat on it. He rested his elbows on the table and leaned down to cover his face with his hands. “Wonwoo, it’s not easy. There are a lot of things to consider before deciding to cancel the production of the books.” 

“Yes, but I’m not telling you to cancel! I’m just asking you to keep the books in the warehouse for the time being and have this book,” Wonwoo waved around a pen drive in the air, “published first! It’s final, all editing done! I even made the illustrations.” 

Soonyoung grabbed the pen drive and inserted it in his laptop’s port. He waited for the file to load up and investigate it. “This is sixty five thousand. What is it about?”

“It’s a memoir,” Wonwoo replied.

“Please don’t tell me this is very depressing to read.” Soonyoung stared at Wonwoo with brooding eyes.

“It’s isn’t depressing,” Jihoon replied back from his chair in front of Soonyoung. Wonwoo was still standing beside Soonyoung instead of sitting on the chair. 

Wonwoo looked out the small window in Soonyoung’s office. He could see a pigeon sitting on the windowsill. The bird turned its head and Wonwoo felt like he was in a staring contest with the bird in which whoever turns away first loses. In the middle of his one-sided contest, he thought why does everything have to be about winning? Why has the world become so competitive? Can’t we all learn from our past mistakes and live in peace and harmony. A person shouldn’t be defined by their past deeds. They should be defined by how they choose to live in their present. 

Yes, Wonwoo’s past deeds might signify that he could only write sad things, but he didn’t want people to think that way anymore. He wanted to change and allow people to love him. More importantly, he wanted to give out as much love as he could. Wonwoo used to be a selfish man, but now he just wanted to give back to Mother Nature. 

“It’s hopeful. It’s comforting.” Wonwoo said while watching the bird fly away into the unknown, soaring up in the sky.

Soonyoung made some calls and Wonwoo and Jihoon sat there patiently. Hoping. Waiting.

“Okay, let me ask.” Soonyoung covered the receiver of his phone and whispered, “You’re fine if we are delayed by a month? They are saying it’ll be released by July.” 

Wonwoo nodded holding a thumbs up for louder confirmation.

“Yes, he’s okay with it,” Soonyoung said into the receiver. 

Soonyoung ended the call after a few minutes and looked at Wonwoo with an amused expression. He wiggled his eyebrows and had a smirk on his face. 

“What?” Wonwoo asked.

“Who did you write this book for?” 

“Why do you ask?” 

“I’m on the first page and I can read,” Soonyoung said while pointing at his screen.

“Somebody you don’t know,” Wonwoo said with a straight face.

The first page was Wonwoo’s way of telling _him_ that this was his apology, even when he didn’t ask for one.

_‘To WJ,_

_Forgive me._

_From, JW’_

After the whole plan was finalised, Wonwoo and Jihoon went back to their apartment. At night, Wonwoo was lying on the couch and a brilliant analogy came to his mind.

It was like this - Wonwoo was an ocean. He was magnificent and beautiful from far away and inside him was a different and unexplored area, which was his mind, that was glorious and unique. But there was a sort of darkness in him that had people fear his existence. If someone tried to swim too deep, then they could drown in its tempestuous waves. And Wonwoo’s anger was like an earthquake. This earthquake created a tsunami and brought so much destruction. 

After the tsunami took its toll, Wonwoo’s waters were trapped in between land. This created a calm and blue lagoon. Now, Wonwoo hoped that his warm and shallow water would attract the people in good spirits. The beautiful scenery that was created around him should put away people’s fear. Wonwoo hoped that _he_ would come back to him.

_‘Why is it that we understand_

_the significance of a thing_

_when it’s not ours anymore?_

_I don’t want to be dramatic,_

_just romantic._

_You have coloured me with your name._

_The blood in my veins runs for you._

_I will get my life in order._

_so we can be together.’_

  
  


***

  
  


_Five months later, October_

Wonwoo stood in his new apartment in the heart of _Gangnam._ By apartment, he meant a single room which had an attached washroom. It was even smaller than Junhui’s officetel. But it was a rooftop house and Wonwoo had access to the roof which was four times bigger than the room. And, it was his own space. Yes, there were other’s a/c condensers and satellite television dishes, but Wonwoo didn’t care about all that. This was his place.

He was a writer and he didn’t need much inside space anyway. He could sit outside on a bench and write leisurely. He could admire the city lights at night and hear the bustling of the vehicles. The buildings that surrounded his house were far enough so that the sunlight wasn’t blocked by them. Wonwoo found his perfection in an imperfect place.

When Wonwoo published his third book, three months ago, he didn’t have much expectation from it. Surprisingly enough, since the day Wonwoo decided to change his perception, the world started giving Wonwoo many surprises. His book became an instant hit with the public. It was sold out in two weeks and Soonyoung’s job became more hectic. He had to work at nights to get the reprinting done quickly so that the book could be available in the market again. People were calling Wonwoo’s book a ‘bestseller’. 

He finally had to get himself an agent and Wonwoo had to do a mini-book tour where he went to bookstores to do a short reading of his book. Naturally, Wonwoo was earning a decent livelihood and decided that he couldn’t freeload off Jihoon. So, he got a house for himself. Jihoon also moved out of their old apartment and found himself a decent apartment which was freshly renovated. 

Wonwoo’s relationship with his family was finally back to how it was a decade ago. Wonwoo invited his family to Seoul for the celebration of his published book and his birthday. All four of them cried together in a hotel room that night. But the past was forgotten and everybody decided to turn the page and move on to a new chapter. 

As far as Wonwoo’s treatment was concerned, Yoon Jeonghan was a great doctor and a lot of Wonwoo’s memories were recovered. Jeonghan said that the reason behind Wonwoo’s speedy recovery was that he himself wanted to get better. And, if a person’s mind was set on doing something, then nobody could really stop them. Wonwoo also hadn’t touched a cigarette since the day he quit. There were days when the craving was too intense, but he survived with the love and support from people. 

That was a new thing. Wonwoo had supporters now, who loved his writing and wanted him to write more great things. Wonwoo had improved so much in half a year. He was proud of himself. 

Wonwoo wasn’t sad, but at best he could say that he wasn’t happy either. He still hadn’t heard a word from Junhui. For all he knew, Junhui was missing. He couldn’t contact Junhui as his number was out of service. He tried asking Jihoon if he knew anything about Junhui, but he was as clueless as Wonwoo. Wonwoo even visited his apartment only to find another woman occupying his ‘old’ apartment. He went to the restaurant only to hear that he had quit his job. Wonwoo didn’t want to believe it, but Junhui was really out of his life (for the absolute worst).

It had been more than six months since he last saw him or heard from him. A lot of Wonwoo’s emotions from his past self had changed. The one emotion that didn’t though was his feelings for Junhui. In all these months, he had realised that what he felt for Junhui could not be put into words. But if he was asked to translate it into a single word, then it would be _love._

Wonwoo tried to forget about him, but Junhui was haunting his dreams. Some days, Wonwoo would go about his day without thinking of him, but one way or another Junhui would slip into his thoughts and Wonwoo would go back to square one. 

Wonwoo would remember the little endearing things about Junhui like how he would say weird things that cracked Wonwoo up. How he would give to people so openly without expecting anything in return. How he would put more chilli powder in his food because he liked to _spice_ up his life. How he would watch Junhui have stupid arguments with Seungkwan. How ethereal he looked naked and lured Wonwoo in his embrace. How entrancing his voice was whether he was talking or moaning in pleasure. How amazing he was to Wonwoo even when he was too blind to see it. 

Wonwoo was irrevocably in love with Junhui.

It was comical how Wonwoo had barely spent two months with the man and he had etched his name deep inside Wonwoo’s heart. Love was funny that way. You fall for a person when you least expect it and till the time you realise it, it’s already late. But being in love with a person who was absent from his life was detrimental to Wonwoo’s mental health. Jeonghan had already suggested he should find a closure to this as soon as possible otherwise it may have negative effects on his progress in the future. 

By closure, Jeonghan meant Wonwoo either get his Prince Charming or move on from him. 

_‘Forgetting you is like_

_forgetting how to breathe._

_But my body remembers_

_to never stop breathing._

_So how can you expect_

_that I’ll forget you so easily?_

_Just know this, my love -_

_the day I forget about you_

_is the day I stop breathing.’_

Wonwoo laid on his bed and called Jihoon. 

“Hello?” Jihoon’s voice came from the phone.

“Jihoon, I can’t forget Junhwi!” Wonwoo whined.

Jihoon sighed. “And I won’t be able to forget about him because of you.” 

“I know I deserve the mockery, but Jihoon I can’t go on like this!” Wonwoo said petulantly.

“Argh! Wonwoo, for a second, have you ever thought that he doesn’t want to be found?” Jihoon propounded the possibility.

Yes, Wonwoo had thought about that. But he would rather die trying than sit around and do nothing.

Wonwoo didn’t give Jihoon an answer. He just laid there and hugged his pillow tighter in despair.

“Okay, do you know anybody that knew Junhwi? I remember once you asked about someone when we first went to the restaurant.” Jihoon evinced something inside Wonwoo.

“You’re right! I mean, I’ve tried talking to Seungkwan, but he ignores me and usually asks me to leave if I’m not eating there.” Wonwoo narrated his past attempts. “But once, I picked Junhwi up from his place and I remember where he lives! He won’t be able to ignore me if I go to his house.”

“Yes, he won’t be able to ignore you, but he could report you to the police for the invasion of property.” Jihoon deadpanned. 

“I’m gonna go now,” Wonwoo announced.

“What? No! Stay right there. It's too late.” Jihoon ordered Wonwoo.

Wonwoo removed the phone from his ear and unlocked it to check the time and day. “You’re right! They must be working now. Tomorrow is Saturday and if I remember correctly, it’s their day off. I’m gonna go there tomorrow!” Wonwoo said while sticking the phone back to his ear.

“This is a bad idea,” Jihoon said.

“Stop being so pessimistic!” 

“I’m not going to bail you out of jail if you get arrested,” Jihoon said impassively.

If his luck would be by his side then by tomorrow, Wonwoo would have some concrete information about Junhui. Wonwoo might finally get to see Junhui. Wonwoo slept with hope in his heart that night.

  
  


***

  
  


The next day, Wonwoo stood in front of Mingyu’s apartment that he shared with Seungkwan. Even though Wonwoo was hopeful, he was nervous. He knew getting information out of these boys won’t be easy as Seungkwan had already ignored his ass back in the restaurant. But he won’t give up without trying. He rang the bell and waited for someone to open the door.

It was Mingyu who finally opened the door. When Mingyu finally figured out who was standing outside his door, his eyes enlarged and his skin turned ashen. He stood there frozen and it was clear to Wonwoo that Mingyu was greatly appalled by his presence. After the shock subsided, Mingyu knitted his brows and squinted his eyes without speaking a word. Wonwoo grew uncomfortable under Mingyu’s scrutiny and had a desperate urge to flee the scene. 

Another man’s voice, Wonwoo guessed Seungkwan, came from inside the apartment. “Who is it?” 

Mingyu didn’t reply and stood there staring daggers at Wonwoo. Wonwoo heard rustling from inside and could hear that Seungkwan was coming out. “Ah! Who’s disturbing us on our day off? I wanted to—” Seungkwan was at a loss of words the moment he saw it was Wonwoo on their doorstep. 

“Oh my God! How the fuck did you find us?” Seungkwan demanded while pointing a finger at Wonwoo. “I’m gonna fucking kill you asshole!” Seungkwan tried to launch himself on Wonwoo, but Mingyu finally got out of his trance and held Seungkwan back from harming him. 

“You fucking idiot! How dare you show your face to me in my own house!” Seungkwan yelled violently while trying to escape from Mingyu’s grasp. “He’s the reason why the _‘Jun’_ was removed from our _‘Junboogyu’!_ Let me punch him, hyung!”

“I—” Wonwoo was grateful that Mingyu was holding Seungkwan back. “I need to see Jun.” 

“Just because you wrote him a book, doesn’t mean you deserve to see him, asshole!” Seungkwan denounced Wonwoo. 

“Wait! What book?” Mingyu asked bewildered while still holding Seungkwan in his arms. 

Seungkwan halted his movements and looked at Mingyu with clear guilt in his eyes. “Well, one day I was trying to find a new book to read online and I saw this book which was a bestseller. I looked at its author and this asshole’s name was written on it. So, out of pure hatred for this guy and concern for Jun hyung, I bought the book and read it.” Seungkwan explained while pointing at Wonwoo instead of speaking his name. 

“What’s the book about?” Mingyu asked.

“It’s pretentious and if he thinks Jun hyung will melt after reading it, then he’s bloody delusional!” Seungkwan declared.

It was amusing how Wonwoo had the delusional disorder and Seungkwan was calling him delusional. Maybe Wonwoo really was chasing after fumes. 

“I have a delusional disorder. Thanks for taking a jab on my mental health. But I need to see him.” 

Seungkwan looked at Wonwoo dumbly before fumbling with a half-assed apology. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry for being insensitive, but your condition doesn’t change the fact that Jun hyung was hurt and left the country. I lost my best friend because of your insensitivity!” 

Junhui left the country? Did Wonwoo really lose him? Most of all, he left the country because of Wonwoo?

“I wasn’t that harsh. Isn’t leaving the country a bit too much?” Unfortunately for Wonwoo, he voiced his opinion loudly and now it was Mingyu who was trying to harm him and Seungkwan who was holding him back.

“You insensitive asshole! First, you break his heart then comment that he’s being a pussy? I will kill you!” Mingyu yelled while trying to get out of Seungkwan’s grasp which looked funny because Mingyu was tall and broad and Seungkwan was shorter. Yet, Seungkwan was able to hold him off.

“Okay, babe! In this relationship, I am supposed to be the aggressive one and you are supposed to be the passive one! Don’t change the roles!” Seungkwan tried to reason with Mingyu. 

Wonwoo wasn’t scared when Seungkwan wanted to punch him, but he was definitely scared when Mingyu wanted to punch him. You couldn’t blame him as Mingyu was bigger than him.

“Okay! I’m sorry! Could you two just calm down? And can we talk inside for the benefit of your neighbours?” Wonwoo asked, trying to cool down their aggression.

“Talk inside?” They both changed their places and Mingyu was holding Seungkwan again. It was comical how these two acted and Wonwoo wanted to laugh but composed himself from offending them even further. “I would rather cut off your balls and feed them to dogs than invite you inside!” Seungkwan threatened him. Wonwoo wasn’t fazed by it.

“Or call the cops and report you for trespassing,” Mingyu said which was a little terrifying because the likelihood of that was more and he didn’t want to go to jail. 

“Please! I’m really desperate!’ Wonwoo got on his knees and looked up at them desperately. Wonwoo didn’t want to beg, but he needed to know about Junhui. Before he knew, tears were streaming down his face

“Oh, dear! Please get up and come inside.” Mingyu said while extending a hand towards him for support.

“Mingyu, no!” 

  
  


Wonwoo sat cross-legged on the floor across Mingyu and Seungkwan. Mingyu showed little sympathy, but Seungkwan was still glaring at him.

“Where is he?” Wonwoo asked. It was morning yet Wonwoo was already tired and wanted to go back and sleep.

“Far away from you! Exactly how it should be!” Seungkwan huffed.

“He’s also far away from you.” Wonwoo quipped back.

“Don’t remind me about it,” Seungkwan muttered. 

“He’s in China.” Mingyu finally answered Wonwoo’s question.

“Mingyu, no!” Seungkwan screeched.

“What? It’s not like he would be able to find Junhwi hyung by just that information. More than a billion people live there.” Mingyu shut down Seungkwan’s protests by clarifying his point.

“Wait, did he go back home?” Wonwoo asked. He was surprised that Junhui might have gone back home even when he clearly stated that his father hated him.

“No, of course not! He’s living on his own! Do you know how worried I am for him?” Seungkwan’s tone made him sound like he was Junhui’s mother. 

“But he’s living well. I don’t think he should go there and ruin it for him.” Mingyu made a cutting remark.

Seungkwan squinted his eyes and looked at Wonwoo as if he was up to something bad and Seungkwan knew about it. “You’re right, darling. We shouldn’t tell him where he is.” 

Wonwoo was exasperated and groaned in absolute frustration. He knew it was going to be difficult, but he wasn’t emotionally prepared to be patient about it. “Listen! I know I fucked up big time.” Seungkwan totally agreed and interrupted Wonwoo. “Yes, you did!”

“All I’m asking is for one last chance! I’ve changed and I’m not just saying that for the sake of it! I’m getting the treatment. I was blinded by my own hate, but now I can finally see.” Wonwoo divulged about his mental health to people he wasn’t even familiar with. But at the moment, he didn’t care. He would do anything to get to Junhui and have him back in his life.

“Who’s to say you won’t fuck up again?” Mingyu asked.

“I’m in love with him,” Wonwoo confessed, but was surprised to see only Mingyu shocked by his confession. Seungkwan, on the other hand, looked like he knew where Wonwoo was coming from. Then he realised that Seungkwan had read his book.

Seungkwan got up to fetch a notepad and pen. He returned and took out his phone from his pocket. He looked at his phone and copied something down on paper. Then, he tore the sheet and handed it to Wonwoo. 

“It’s his address. Don’t fuck it up or I’ll fuck you up!” Seungkwan tried to be as intimidating as he could be. 

Wonwoo read the address - _Taigu, Shanxi._

“Is that an address of a vineyard?” Wonwoo asked. 

“Do you have a problem with it?” Seungkwan asked back, clearly letting Wonwoo know from his eyes that he was in no mood for bullshit. 

“No. Thanks, guys.” 

_‘I’ve stopped searching_

_for the gold under the sea._

_Now, I stand on this cliff_

_and gaze with a joyful despair,_

_the traces you left behind in the sea._

_So I’ll follow you across this sea_

_and lay my heart at your feet,_

_in the hope that just like this sea_

_you will paint me happy and blue.’_

  
  


***

  
  


Travelling to China wasn’t as easy as Wonwoo had thought it would be. For one, he needed to apply for a passport and then file for a Chinese visa. When all the arrangements were finally made and he was standing outside the airport to board the flight, it was already mid-November. Jihoon came to drop him off, but mostly to give him moral support.

“Whatever happens, don’t let it affect you negatively,” Jihoon said.

“Yes, I know.” Wonwoo was touched by Jihoon’s consideration for his well-being. 

“I love you,” Jihoon said it out of the blue and Wonwoo choked on his own saliva. “Now get out of my sight!” Jihoon averted his eyes and looked at the trolley beside them. 

“I love you,” Wonwoo said it back and walked away from Jihoon to get his love back.

Wonwoo flew to Beijing and from there he took a train towards Taigu. When he reached Taigu, he took a taxi to travel another 40 kilometres south of the city to reach the place. When Wonwoo was in Taigu, he felt he entered a place where an ancient city met the modern people. There were temples and structures of cultural significance and also modern buildings. But Wonwoo wasn’t in the city anymore and all he saw was the plantation of grapes. The mountains stood high and mighty behind the plantations and it was too calm and serene there. Wonwoo hadn’t been so close to nature in his life before and he wasn’t used to the bucolic scenery before his eyes.

Wonwoo was prepared for a lot of things. But Wonwoo wasn’t prepared to converse in Mandarin with the locals. When Wonwoo reached there and tried to ask about Junhui in his broken English, people just shook their heads. When everyone was getting frustrated over the communication gap, one person used their hands to communicate and what Wonwoo gathered from it was that he was asked to sit patiently while he fetched someone who could speak with him. 

Wonwoo sat on a chair and waited. He looked out the window and saw that most of the grapes had already been harvested. Yet, there were people out there who were picking the grapes by hand. After a few minutes, a young man approached him. He looked soft at first glance, but Wonwoo saw there were sharp edges to him. His black locks were covering his eyes and formed a mullet at the back of his neck. 

He extended a hand towards Wonwoo and introduced himself in English. “Hello! I’m Minghao. Xu Minghao. I’m the caretaker of this vineyard.” 

Wonwoo shook his hands only to find that his hands were firm. “Jeon Wonwoo.” 

“Are you here for a tour?” Minghao asked.

Wonwoo could only give him an affirmative response. So, he followed Minghao and tried to understand the process of winemaking. “I’m sorry, aren’t you too young to be here?” Wonwoo asked out of curiosity. 

“I’m just here for the harvest season and I’ll go back to Beijing next month. My grandfather is the owner and this is one of the vineyards that he owns. Just like me, other family members are working in other places. We like to keep the business running within the family.” Minghao explained.

“Harvest season?” 

“Yes, it spans from August to November.” 

They continued walking around the property and Minghao was talking, but Wonwoo wasn’t really focusing on his words. His eyes were busy finding the man he travelled so far for. 

When the two men were walking in between the plantations of grapes, that’s when Wonwoo finally saw him. Seven months had passed and in that time a lot of things had changed. Jeon Wonwoo was a completely new man and looked better than before because he adopted healthier habits. Naturally, Wen Junhui had changed too. Maybe it was because he had been working in the vineyard. Junhui was wearing a white tank top and track pants. Junhui glowed under the rays of the sun. He had a healthy tan on his skin and his muscles were bulging as he was lifting the crates and depositing them on a cart. 

Wonwoo wanted to run and embrace Junhui as tightly as he could so that their combined warmth would make them melt together to form a single entity. Just as two elements are melted together to form an alloy. Wonwoo must’ve been looking at Junhui very intensely because Minghao noticed him and commented. “They are gathering the crates so that the grapes could be sent for crushing to break open the berries.”

Deep down, Wonwoo was definitely impressed by Minghao’s dedication for his work. The good man was willingly walking around with him to show him the beauty of winemaking. But how could Wonwoo concentrate when the only beauty that mattered to him was standing just a few feet apart.

Junhui finally looked towards them and he smiled at Minghao who just returned a smile back. When Junhui’s eyes met Wonwoo’s, there was zero recognition in his eyes. Junhui looked at Wonwoo as if a stranger was standing in front of him. Wonwoo had prepared himself, but when the reality hit him, it hit him like a hurricane. 

Junhui said something to his coworkers and then started walking towards the two men. Minghao extended his hand and Junhui took it in his grasp. They both stood there, holding each other's hand and Wonwoo saw the tenderness in Minghao’s eyes. The same tenderness that Wonwoo had in his eyes for Junhui. 

“Mr Jeon, this is my partner Junhui.” And Minghao then addressed something to Junhui in Mandarin. Wonwoo’s English was elementary and he didn’t understand much when he used the term ‘partner’. But judging from their body language, Wonwoo didn’t want to find out what it meant. 

Junhui and Minghao had a conversation in Mandarin and Wonwoo wanted to tear those two apart. Wonwoo had actually liked Minghao, but now he wanted to burn him to the ground for taking Junhui away from him. 

“Ah, Mr Jeon. Junhui gē here can speak Korean so I’m guessing it would be more comfortable for you. So, he would finish the rest of the tour with you. I have some other business to look at so if you’ll excuse me. I’ll see you around.” Minghao waved himself off. Wonwoo was finally alone with Junhui. He wanted to say so much, but as usual, a silence had engulfed them both and he followed Junhui quietly. 

When they both reached the part of the plantation that was fairly deserted, Junhui turned around and looked at him. Wonwoo could see that Junhui wasn’t happy to see him at all. In fact, he was very much annoyed.

“You don’t care about this vineyard, do you?” Junhui asked.

“No.”

“What the hell are you doing here? Did Seungkwan tell you about this place?” Junhui furiously questioned him. 

“Junhwi. I’m so sorry. I’m—” He was at a loss for words. He was prepared, but it still hurt because the man he loved didn’t want to even acknowledge his existence in front of others.

“Why the fuck are you here?” 

Why was he there? It was a good question. The first thing that came to his mind was the fact that he wanted to apologise. The second thing was that he was there to let Junhui know about his feelings. The third thing, the possibility of which looked very bleak, was that he wanted Junhui to fly back to Seoul with him. 

Wonwoo said the first thing that came into his mind. “I wrote a book.”

“Well, that’s good for you. It’s kind of your job.” Junhui replied bewildered at Wonwoo’s statement.

“I—” 

_‘I wrote it for you.’_ Wonwoo wanted to tell him. 

“Your words inspired me to write it,” Wonwoo said instead. 

“So? You came all the way to tell me about that?” Junhui scoffed. 

“I wanted to apologise.” Wonwoo wanted to hold Junhui’s hand. They weren’t used to communicating with words. They always communicated their feelings through touch and action. Wonwoo was scared that this conversation would end like their last conversation. The only difference would be that Junhui would be walking away and Wonwoo would be left behind with his tears and a broken heart. 

“I don’t need your apology. Didn’t Jihoon give you my letter?” Junhui insisted.

“I read it. It’s because of that letter that I wrote the book.”

“So you wrote the book for me?” Junhui asked. 

Wonwoo didn’t want to agree and enrage him more. But he couldn’t even lie to Junhui anymore. He had lied to him before and lost him because of it. He had vowed that he would never lie to him again. So Wonwoo just stood there and looked down at his own shoes.

Junhui moved closer to Wonwoo and put both his hands on Wonwoo’s shoulders. “Fucking hell Wonwoo! Did you think this would move me and I would come running back to you?” Junhui asked while shaking Wonwoo with his hands. Even in his rage, Junhui looked beautiful. His face was red and Wonwoo was reminded of the better times when his face turned red in pleasure. The touch burned Wonwoo in the best way possible and he wanted to extend his hands and wrap it around Junhui’s waist. He wanted to hold Junhui and never let him go. He clenched his hands in a fist and closed his eyes instead. 

“Get over yourself, Wonwoo! This isn’t your fiction. This is real life!” Junhui pushed Wonwoo back. Wonwoo stumbled, but found his balance and prevented himself from falling. 

Junhui turned around and they both stood there without speaking for a few minutes. Wonwoo tried to hold back his tears, but how could he pretend to be fine with everything when he knew he was going to leave his _heart_ behind in Junhui’s hands. He wasn’t just leaving his heart behind. He was leaving a part of his _soul._

When Junhui’s anger receded and he finally calmed down, he turned back and spoke in a gentler voice. “I tried to love you, but you stabbed a knife in my heart. To this day, the wounds haven’t healed Wonwoo. What I have now is good. Minghao gave me warmth and love that I never thought I could receive. He loves me so much. I want to give him back the love that you couldn’t give back to me.” 

“Junhwi, I want to give it back! Please! I promise I’m not the same person I was before. I need you. I promise I will spend this lifetime trying to prove to you how much you mean to me!” Wonwoo begged. He closed the distance between them and held Junhui’s hands trying to convey his feelings through touch.

“Wouldn’t I be an emotional fool if I believed your words and ran away with you? If you break my heart again, I wouldn’t have anybody, but myself to blame for being weak.” Junhui said quietly looking at their intertwined hands. “I don’t want to succumb to my weakness.” Junhui let go of Wonwoo’s hands and took a step back. 

“I hope you find someone who loves you more than I did. I hope you have a good life, Jeon Wonwoo.” Junhui turned around and walked away. He walked away holding Wonwoo’s heart in his hands. Wonwoo didn’t want it anyway because it belonged to Junhui. This was supposed to be Wonwoo’s parting gift. 

Wonwoo turned around and went back home with an endless yearning in his heart. 

_‘You are the moon and I am the sea._

_I rise and fall for you._

_But the sea doesn’t belong to anybody._

_And nobody can live on the moon._

_The distance between us_

_will always mock me._

_But my tides won’t form without you._

_So I’ll learn to love you from afar,_

_and embrace this loneliness in silence._

_After all, my life has no purpose_

_without your existence in it.’_

  
  


***

  
  


Wonwoo’s karma had finally caught up with him. He had been pushing people out of his life for so long that now the one person that he actually wanted in his life had pushed Wonwoo out of his own life. Yes, karma had definitely caught up with Wonwoo.

How could he even blame Junhui? He was being cautious as a perfectly smart man should be. It was Wonwoo’s own foolishness that made Junhui apprehensive towards him. Wonwoo had nobody, but himself to blame. 

Trying to forget about Junhui was stupid because Wonwoo didn’t want to forget about him. He wanted Junhui to haunt him forever, till the day he took his last breath. Junhui was the only man who loved him and wanted to understand him when the whole world just shunned him out. Junhui tried to stand by Wonwoo’s side when he was at his worst. If Wonwoo couldn’t spend his whole life giving his love to Junhui, then he would spend it trying to be a better version of himself for Junhui’s sake. After all, it was Junhui’s wish for Wonwoo to live a better life. 

So, Wonwoo learnt to live without Junhui. He stopped expecting people to give him everything and taking things for granted. He worked hard and released his fourth book in December after making major changes to it so that the book was less depressing and more hopeful. The book, to Wonwoo’s absolute shock, turned out to be even more successful than his previous one. Wonwoo was getting recognition from the people who mattered a lot in the literary world and Wonwoo could only gratefully accept their compliments and well wishes.

Some days, when Wonwoo was reliving in his remembrance and everything became too hard to handle, Wonwoo would come very close to suffering a relapse. The craving for nicotine would buzz in his head. He would then call Jihoon and his friend would either come over to his apartment or talk to Wonwoo on the phone to remind him why he quit in the first place. 

Wonwoo travelled to Changwon at the end of December to celebrate the New Year with his family. He met all his relatives and everyone told him how proud they were of Wonwoo. They told him that Wonwoo was doing a great deed by spreading hope and happiness through his writing. Some even commented that this would make Wonwoo immortal through art. Wonwoo didn’t care about getting immortality through art anymore. He just smiled back and nodded instead of engaging in those conversations.

On the first day of the year, Wonwoo turned 27 according to the Korean age. His mother asked him what his wish was for the new year. Wonwoo kindly told her that he just wanted to be happy, that’s all. His mother smiled back and took him in her embrace. 

What Wonwoo’s mother understood was that Wonwoo was satisfied by just staying happy. 

Wonwoo didn’t clarify that he wanted to be happy because he wasn’t happy.

  
  


***

It was the end of January, the anniversary of the day he had his first encounter with Junhui. To commemorate the incident, Wonwoo visited the alleyway where it all began. He saw another man standing in his spot and smoking. Before Wonwoo could break down and cry in front of the stranger, he ran away till his thighs felt the burn. 

A week later, Wonwoo was outside on his rooftop sitting on a bench and admiring the colours of the sky as the sun dipped down and the darkness mixed with the light. Wonwoo looked at the gradient of colours from blue to red and appreciated the beauty of nature. Wonwoo’s phone rang and he saw Bohyuk’s name on the screen. He swiped his screen and answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hyung! How are you?” Bohyuk asked.

“I’m good. What’s up?” 

“Nothing. Just wanted to talk to you. How’s the weather there?” 

“It’s very cold. I’m sitting outside wearing my padded jacket.” Wonwoo complained.

“Then why are you sitting outside?” Bohyuk questioned.

“The rooftop literally is my living room,” Wonwoo replied. Wonwoo heard someone ring his bell which was strange because Wonwoo wasn’t expecting anyone. 

Wonwoo got up and walked inside his apartment to get to the main door. Meanwhile, Bohyuk kept chatting on the phone. When Wonwoo opened the door, he couldn’t believe what he saw. In his state of shock, he almost dropped his phone. 

“Ah, Bohyuk? I’m very sorry, but something’s come up. I’ll call you back.” Wonwoo told his brother.

“Okay! Bye hyung!” 

“Bye.” Wonwoo ended the call and pocketed his phone. Then Wonwoo brought his hand to his face and slapped himself hard.

“Oh my God, Wonwoo! Why would you do that?” The person brought his hands to Wonwoo’s face and caressed the cheek that Wonwoo had hit. His eyes had a genuine concern for the writer.

“Is this real? Are you real?” Wonwoo asked in disbelief, holding the hand that was currently on his cheek.

“Of course, I’m real!” Junhui confirmed.

“You’re here?”

“I’m here.”

Wonwoo was dumbfounded. He had a million things to tell Junhui, but even after all the pining, he didn’t know what to say.

“Won’t you invite me to your new home?” Junhui asked, their hands still intertwined in mid-air.

“Yes! Of course! Come in.” Wonwoo pulled Junhui in. When the door closed, he looked at Junhui who was confused as he saw that there was only a single room with no chairs in sight. 

“Should we sit on the bed?” Junhui was perplexed but still managed to ask without sounding too harsh about it.

“No, the sitting area is outside. Ah, come. I’ll show you.” Wonwoo said while leading the way. The door to the outside was opposite Wonwoo’s bed. When Junhui finally stepped outside, his eyes were twinkling because of the city lights. He was in complete wonder of the beautiful scenery in front of him.

“This is so beautiful! This is all yours?” Junhui asked while running to the balustrade to watch the city. 

“Yes.” Wonwoo walked towards Junhui to join him in his reverie.

“It’s so beautiful, Wonwoo!” Junhui said. Wonwoo looked at Junhui and saw how beautiful he looked. Wonwoo saw Junhui’s right side profile and his eyes landed on the three moles that dotted his face - one on the top of his lips and two on his cheek. Wonwoo saw how perfect his nose was and how plump his lips were. Wonwoo saw the light and recognition in his eyes that were missing back in China.

“Most beautiful,” Wonwoo said while looking at Junhui. Junhui turned and saw what Wonwoo implied and hit him with his shoulder while walking back towards the bench to sit. 

They both settled down (Wonwoo refused to sit opposite of him and sat beside him because he still believed that this was some kind of fever dream), and Junhui finally spoke, “You have to take an elevator to the top floor and then climb a flight of stairs to reach your apartment. I guess I understand why. And, when I heard _Gangnam_ I thought you were living in a luxurious apartment, but this is so much better!” Then as if Junhui remembered something, he whipped out his phone and typed something out as quickly as possible. “Mingyu and Seungkwan were waiting for me downstairs in their car, in case something bad happens. I need to tell them to go away.” 

“How’d you know where I live?” Curiosity got the best of Wonwoo.

“Ah, should I get into my side of the story? It’s only fair as I know yours completely and you’re in the dark.” Junhui suggested.

When Wonwoo didn’t understand what he meant, he just looked at him with his brown eyes swirling with confusion.

“Well then, I will start from the beginning! From March, I guess.” Junhui sounded sad when he mentioned the month. “But you have to promise me you won’t hold a grudge on Jihoonie!” Junhui looked at Wonwoo with his big doe eyes and Wonwoo’s only weakness in this world was Wen Junhui. So, he just nodded.

And so, Junhui narrated his side of the story. In very simple words, Junhui was heartbroken and lost. For the first time, he had let another man inside his life so quickly. So, when the man told him to fuck off, the only course of action that he saw fit was to leave the country. Living in Seoul didn’t really help him as every single person spoke the language of his ex-lover. So, he packed everything and quit his job at the restaurant. Seungkwan, Mingyu and his aunt tried to stop him, but there was no stopping him.

Junhui couldn’t fly back home to Shenzhen so he flew to Beijing. He checked himself in at a cheap hotel and wandered aimlessly in the streets of Beijing. Junhui said that even though he was miserable, he was still lucky and Minghao found him on his third night in Beijing. Junhui was hammered and couldn’t function properly so Minghao took him back to his apartment. The next day when he woke up, in a moment of weakness, he told Minghao, a complete stranger, his whole life story. Minghao offered Junhui a place in his home and Junhui just accepted because he was craving love and attention at that time.

In another moment of weakness, Junhui slept with Minghao after a week. And then for three months, Junhui lived with Minghao as his _‘lover’_ without a proper job or aim in his life. Minghao was a rich heir who looked and talked like a mature man with lots of money. But he was humble and tender with his love for Junhui. 

At the end of June, Minghao asked Junhui to travel with him to Taigu and live on the vineyard with him for a few months. As Junhui was jobless, he didn’t have much choice, but to say yes. But Junhui wasn’t useless at the vineyard and worked as hard as the other workers. Junhui was finally getting his life back on track and he was healing. Until Wonwoo showed up.

“Are you still with me? Is it uncomfortable?” Junhui asked Wonwoo who was listening to the story intently. Wonwoo looked up and saw Junhui looking at him with concern. Anybody would be a fool to not fall in love with this man. Minghao had eyes that’s why he fell in love with Junhui the night they met. But Wonwoo couldn’t be angry about it or get jealous. 

“I’m listening. Continue.” He said while squeezing Junhui’s hand that was placed down on the table. So, Junhui continued his story.

When Wonwoo showed up in front of Junhui, it was like the ground had moved from beneath his feet and he was falling back down. The only reason he was able to face Wonwoo was that the anger resurfaced and it was mostly the adrenaline that gave him the words he needed to speak to push Wonwoo out of his life. 

After Wonwoo left, the adrenaline also went away and Junhui became a mess. Minghao asked what was wrong and he told him the truth about Wonwoo. Minghao could only hold Junhui as he cried in his arms, longing for something that was already his, to begin with. A few days later, both of them went back to Beijing. 

In another moment of weakness, Junhui searched for Wonwoo’s book online and bought it. After reading the first page, Junhui figured out that the book wasn’t just inspired by his words, but written for him. So, he read the book and he finally understood how Wonwoo’s brain worked. He learned about Wonwoo’s mental health and he learned about Wonwoo’s love for him. 

Junhui realised that he was in love with a man who was at war with himself. His beautiful mind had turned into a battlefield and Junhui’s love couldn’t conquer his heart in time. But there were two casualties in this war - his heart and Wonwoo’s memories.

Minghao came to him one night, tears glistening on his handsome face, and told Junhui that he tried his best to fill the void inside Junhui with his love, but he was tired of trying to love a man who was still in love with another man. But Minghao didn’t push him away or kick him out immediately. He kindly gave Junhui time to find his bearings and figure out how he would go about his life. 

That’s when Junhui contacted Jihoon and then Jihoon filled in the rest of the pieces of Wonwoo’s life. Junhui learnt that Wonwoo was going through recovery and he quit smoking. Wonwoo moved out of Jihoon’s apartment and took control of his own life. Jihoon told Junhui that he should know that all of this was done because Wonwoo wanted to be a better man for him and wanted to shower him with the love he deserved. 

So, with Jihoon’s help, Junhui flew back to Seoul and lived with Seungkwan and Mingyu for a few days. Both of his friends tried to talk sense into him when he told them he was going to give another chance to Wonwoo. Seungkwan acted like his mother sometimes even though the boy was younger than him. Finally, Mingyu told him to chase what his heart desired.

“And that is how I ended up here.” Junhui finished his story with a tender smile on his face. 

“God bless Mingyu,” Wonwoo said, returning the smile. Junhui traced his finger over Wonwoo’s nose which made him scrunch his nose even more.

“When did you contact Jihoon?” 

“Umm, the end of last year,” Junhui spoke.

Wonwoo leaned back and his eyes widened. “The fucker knew about it for so long and he just ignored me while I was being miserable with my yearning? I’m gonna—.” Wonwoo remembered the promise he made a few minutes ago, “kiss him on his forehead.” Wonwoo said instead. Junhui giggled as he watched Wonwoo restrain himself. 

“Jihoon talks a lot! Like once he starts, there is no stopping him.” Junhui mused.

“Are you sure we are talking about the same Jihoon?” Wonwoo had been Jihoon’s friend for a very long time and watching Jihoon talking nonstop had never happened. 

“People have a problem communicating with you.” Junhui quipped.

Wonwoo tried to act offended, but then he remembered who was in front of him. Even though it was a known fact, he had never really voiced it out in words. So, Wonwoo raised both his hands and framed Junhui’s face so that his eyes were on Wonwoo. 

“I love you so much. And I would keep loving you till the end of time.” Wonwoo whispered. Junhui closed his eyes and rested his forehead on Wonwoo. Just like that, they breathed in each other. Junhui was a breath of fresh air and once upon a time, Wonwoo was suffocated by it, but now Wonwoo needed it for survival. 

“You know, this is so romantic. We are sitting on the top of a building in the heart of the city, surrounded by all these lights and it is so cold, but I feel so warm.” Junhui said while caressing Wonwoo’s jaw. “And you’re so adorable and my heart could only take so much before it bursts out!”

Wonwoo felt elated and strangely enough, he was blushing. Before Junhui could speak any further and make him more self-conscious, Wonwoo connected their lips.

It was electrifying. They had been separated for 10 months and their dalliance only lasted a little over one month. But this kiss only proved that time does not equate to the amount of love a person can have for another. Wonwoo didn’t know that he was starving, but this kiss made him realise that he had finally been offered the fruit from the heavens which was sweet and succulent.

Their kiss turned from mellow to hungry in a matter of seconds and Wonwoo had pinned Junhui under him on the bench. Their tongues danced with each other under the pale moonlight. Junhui broke the kiss and pushed Wonwoo’s shoulders so that they could look into each other’s eyes. Junhui was heaving and his hair was already messed up by Wonwoo’s hands. He looked absolutely divine.

“I’m in love with you, Wonwoo. Please, don’t break my heart again.” Junhui’s voice quivered like he was imagining himself going through the atrocity.

“Never again. You’ll always have my heart, body and soul.” Wonwoo confessed. 

It was the first week of February and it was too cold outside. But Wonwoo didn’t care about it because he was finally warm both inside out. Junhui tried to thaw his heart before and he pushed the man away. This time, he welcomed the man with open arms and vowed to never let go of him again. 

  
  


After a while, they both came inside Wonwoo’s house and Wonwoo lay on his bed while Junhui sat beside him. They both just stayed like that, existing in their own little bubble. Wonwoo was happy just to have Junhui with him again. Wonwoo wasn’t a selfish man anymore, but he thought he was allowed to demand things from Junhui.

“You know, I haven’t gotten laid in 10 months,” Wonwoo said while looking up at the ceiling.

“Wow! On our first night together after so long, and you decide to talk about sex?” Junhui sounded amused, not offended.

“I’m a man who has needs,” Wonwoo answered blankly.

“You didn’t even jerk off?” 

Wonwoo didn’t entertain Junhui with an answer. That was definitely the right thing to do because Junhui moved closer and laid over him.

“Did you think about me while getting yourself off?” Junhui asked, whispering in Wonwoo’s ear.

“Every time,” Wonwoo answered without missing a beat. 

Junhui kissed his ear, tenderly. “Mm. I should go back to Seungkwan’s.”

Wonwoo wrapped his hands around Junhui’s waist and using his legs, trapped Junhui above him. “No, you should stay. It's too late.”

“Should I stay for the night or forever?” 

“Forever is the preferable choice.”

“Are you willing to live with a man who has no job or aim in his life?” Junhui asked and he wanted to sound casual, but Wonwoo could hear the seriousness behind his words. 

“You have an aim. And I will support you through every step. We’ll figure it out together.” Wonwoo kissed Junhui to let him know that he meant it. After all, they were better at communicating with their bodies. But Wonwoo was going to change that. 

They didn’t make love that night, but slept together, wrapped up in each other’s arms. That night, Wonwoo’s New Year wish came true.

He was finally happy.

_‘I left my heart at your feet_

_and poured my love for you._

_Today, the stream of my love_

_has found its end with you._

_You are my joy, sorrow and life._

_Sometimes words fail me,_

_so I try to convey my feelings_

_when your tongue dances with mine._

_I love you and would love until I die._

_I would love because I live this life_

_that has been given by you.’_

  
  


***

  
  


Wonwoo was back in the endless white room, but this time he didn’t waste his energy in trying to figure out where he was. He patiently stood there until the entity came back and walked towards him. 

“You are back, Jeon Wonwoo.” The entity spoke and again, the multiple voices echoed in the room.

“I can see that.”

Just like the last time, the entity bent down again and asked Wonwoo the same question. “What is your biggest fear?”

Fear? Wonwoo had thought about this question for a very long time. This time, he had an answer with him that might satisfy the entity.

“Forgetting how to live this life of mine because of my fears,” Wonwoo answered.

The entity leaned back and stood tall in front of Wonwoo. “I am impressed, Jeon Wonwoo. You figured out the secret of life.” 

This time, even though Wonwoo was confident, he was still taken aback by the revelation that he figured out one of the biggest secrets of life. 

“The human should live every day by conquering their fears. Then only can they live and learn the beauty of this world.” The entity explained.

“It is time to say goodbye.” The entity turned around and walked away. “Live a happy life, Jeon Wonwoo.” The voice echoed in the room.

Wonwoo saw the entity walk away till the time he vanished into nothingness. This time, Wonwoo didn’t fall. This time, everything faded to black and Wonwoo didn’t wake up from his slumber. 

  
  


***

  
  


_Ten months later, December_

On a quiet Sunday evening, Wonwoo sat on his bed, half of his body burrowed in a blanket and a laptop on his thighs. He was writing his fifth book. This time though, he took his sweet time in writing and didn’t churn out eleven to twelve thousand words in a day. Wonwoo looked at the time and realised that Junhui should be coming back home. Junhui was pursuing bachelors in actuarial science from _Soongsil University_ which was in _Dongjak,_ around 10 kilometres away from their home. Today was his last exam and winter holidays were starting. 

Wonwoo was a supportive boyfriend who helped Junhui apply to the university. He even offered Junhui money for tuition, but Junhui denied it. The thing that sometimes annoyed Wonwoo was that Junhui was a diligent student and rarely ever fooled around with Wonwoo. 

Tonight, Wonwoo had different plans. _He was going to worship Junhui._

Wonwoo was brought out of his dream when he heard the door click open. Junhui entered wearing his turtleneck sweater and padded jacket. “I’m home, Wonwoo-ya!” 

Instead of greeting back, Wonwoo just extended his hands, like a child wanting to be picked up. Junhui set his laptop aside on the floor and climbed over Wonwoo, sitting on his lap. They both hugged each other.

“I brought dinner, love,” Junhui said with his head resting on Wonwoo’s shoulders.

“Good! I’m hungry.” 

They both had their dinner outside on the rooftop and Junhui recounted how his day went. Junhui refused to talk about his exams because he felt that he would jinx it and then he would fail. 

After dinner, both of them took their turns showering. Junhui showered first and then came out. Wonwoo followed the path of the droplets running down Junhui’s naked torso and disappearing under the towel wrapped around his hips. Wonwoo was thirsty and he swallowed his saliva. 

“Stop ogling and go shower!” Junhui pushed him into the washroom and closed the door for him. Wonwoo showered in record time and burst out of the bathroom, drying himself with the towel.

What he saw in front of him knocked his breath out.

The lights of the room were switched off. Only the lights from the outside trickled inside the room. Junhui laid on the bed naked and his head was turned towards the window beside the bed. He was gazing at the moon. One of his knees was folded up and he used one of his forearms as a pillow. Junhui was bare and lovely as the moon. Wonwoo walked till one of his knees was on the bed. He admired the beauty and wanted to spread him out under the stars and watch him tremble. 

“Jun-ah.” Wonwoo croaked out. He hadn’t even touched the man and he was already affected.

Junhui turned his head and looked at Wonwoo. They had played this game a hundred times. The thrill had still not worn off. Junhui extended his other hand, which wasn’t under his head, towards Wonwoo. Wonwoo climbed the bed and crawled towards Junhui till he could grab his hand and be pulled close till their bodies were flushed against each other. 

Almost two years ago, this was a game of dominance of who could be in power in the act of pleasure. Now, they loved slowly and gave openly. There was no winning or losing in this act of worship. 

They kissed hungrily, but slowly. With their arms wrapped around each other, they got lost in each other’s existence. Wonwoo explored the hot cavern of Junhui’s mouth with his tongue bringing out the delicious moans from the man below him. 

Junhui pushed his hips up so that their cocks grinded against each other. The grind was slow and it was everything, but nothing at the same time. Wonwoo pushed his own hips down to find the perfect friction. The wetness from the shower helped and made the slip easier.

“Wonwoo, I love you so much,” Junhui said as he broke the kiss and left a burning trail over his jaw with his lips. Wonwoo raised his head to give Junhui better access and moaned in pleasure above him, increasing the pace. 

“I love you,” Wonwoo said while burying his head in Junhui’s neck and sucking at it. 

“Touch me. Tonight, I want to feel you inside of me.” Junhui rasped beside him.

Wonwoo leaned back and spoke softly. “Not so fast. Let me love you tonight.” 

So, Wonwoo began to mark the atlas of Junhui’s body with his crosses of fire. He nipped the golden skin and felt the man whimper. Junhui tangled his fingers in Wonwoo’s black locks and transcended to the clouds of pleasure. Wonwoo reached the abdomen and stroked a finger over it and saw how taut it became, like a bow drawn on an arrow. Wonwoo licked the skin and brought his fingers to the dip of Junhui’s hips. He brushed across the sensitive skin and made Junhui shiver.

“You are beautiful beyond compare, Junhui.” Wonwoo mused when he settled down between Junhui’s legs and wrapped his hands around his thighs. He called out his Chinese name because it gets Junhui, even more, wound up. Junhui looked at him, his eyes were heavy and desire was swirling in them. He was clutching the pillow above him and his chest was rising and dipping rapidly. “My beauty is nothing compared to you, Yuanyou.” 

Wonwoo was touched by Junhui’s words so he crawled back up and kissed Junhui, to let him know that he meant the world to him. Junhui let himself be devoured by the man above him because he wanted to give him everything he had.

Wonwoo slid back down and continued creating fiery trails on Junhui’s legs. When he came close to Junhui’s dick, Junhui urged prettily above him to give him what he needed. But Wonwoo ignored his pleas and continued with his worshipping. 

When Wonwoo was finally satisfied with his artwork, he sat beside Junhui with his back to the headboard and asked him to sit on him. Junhui wasted no time and quickly straddled Wonwoo’s lap. Wonwoo saw the magnificent man sitting on top of him. He leaned sideways to grab the lube from their nightstand and uncapped the bottle. He poured a dollop on his fingers and circled his fingers around Junhui’s rim. Junhui exhaled in pleasure and leaned his head on Wonwoo’s shoulder.

Slowly. Wonwoo fingered Junhui very slowly, letting him get used to the intrusion. When Wonwoo inserted his second finger, Junhui whined beside him and Wonwoo sucked his neck that was before his lips. Wonwoo scissored his fingers in and Junhui’s moans became unrestrained. After the intrusion of the third finger, Junhui leaned back and started bouncing on his lap and Wonwoo indulged him and curled his fingers. When Wonwoo’s fingers brushed the spot, Junhui screamed and found purchase on Wonwoo’s shoulders while trying to move back to Wonwoo’s fingers. 

“Wonwoo, won’t you prove your love tonight? Won’t you paint me with your desire?” Junhui dripped honey from his gravelly voice. Junhui had learnt to be creative with the choice of his words after living with Wonwoo. For a few times, Wonwoo had desperately tried hard so that Junhui would beg when they were in between the sheets. Now, he had learned that nobody could ever make Junhui do what they want. This was his world and the others were living in it, at his grace. 

Junhui usually demanded instead of begging and Wonwoo had promised an eternity of loving him and proving his love to him. So, when he would phrase his questions like that, Wonwoo had no choice, but to give in to Junhui. 

Wonwoo removed his fingers and wiped it on the sheet below. He kissed Junhui until they both were kneeling on the bed, their bodies flushed against each other. “How do you want to do it?” Wonwoo asked in between the kisses.

“Missionary.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I love it when you tower above me,” Junhui said while stroking Wonwoo’s ass. Not to be outdone by him, Wonwoo placed both his palms on Junhui’s asscheeks and squeezed and pulled them apart, exposing the gaping hole that made Junhui shiver before him.

“Is that right?” 

“Yes. It’s like the movement of the tides. I see you ebb away when you’re at your peak and then you flow inside me, filling me with your endless love.” Junhui said while laying down on the bed and pulling Wonwoo above him.

Wonwoo was floored by Junhui’s analogy and it was like he was falling in love again. “Fucking hell, Junhui! I’m the writer here! Stick to your numbers.” Wonwoo grumbled above him and fetched the lube, slicking his dick so that the slip would be smooth.

It was always like this. Their foreplay was slow, but when it came to actual sex, the primal urge to chase their orgasm overwhelmed their movements. Wonwoo lined himself up to Junhui and inch by inch, buried his dick inside the man. He kissed Junhui deeply until Junhui got used to the feeling of Wonwoo’s dick inside his ass. It was Junhui who moved his hips first, letting Wonwoo know that he was ready. 

Wonwoo leaned back and pulled his dick out completely before lining himself up again and plunging in without a warning. Junhui’s breath was knocked out of him and he groaned below him. Wonwoo thrust slowly and deep, hitting and stimulating Junhui's spot. 

Wonwoo’s vision from a few moments ago came true before his eyes and he saw Junhui crumble. His eyes were shut and his body was moving up and down with Wonwoo’s force. Junhui was like a witch, casting a spell on Wonwoo through his body and Wonwoo was enchanted by the most delightful creature on this planet. 

Wonwoo bent down and took Junhui’s nipple in his mouth while increasing his pace. Junhui made continuous high-pitched sounds above him. “Wonwoo! Fuck! Touch me!” Junhui said urgently.

Wonwoo looked up and saw how ruined he was. “But you will come before me.” 

“I don’t care! I, ah, need!” Junhui couldn’t even finish his sentence as Wonwoo wrapped his hand around Junhui’s dick and increased his pace, thrusting fast and shallow. The precum was leaking from Junhui’s slit and Wonwoo spread it around so that his hand would glide easily. Wonwoo stroked Junhui just the way he liked it - tight and fast. It didn’t take a lot and in a few strokes, Wonwoo watched Junhui’s breath hitch as he came all over his hand. Wonwoo stroked him till he whined from overstimulation and then planted both his hands beside Junhui’s head, caging him in so that he could chase his own orgasm.

Junhui writhed in pleasure which was now turning a bit painful for him, but he held Wonwoo tightly by his hips and whispered absolute filth in Wonwoo’s ears. When Wonwoo reached his peak, his movements became erratic until he filled Junhui’s ass with his intermittent deep thrusts. 

Wonwoo dropped his body over Junhui and enjoyed the afterglow. 

“That was some good fucking,” Junhui said, trying to mimic Wonwoo’s deep voice. 

Wonwoo who was laying on top of Junhui’s chest raised his head and looked up in utter confusion.

“That was what you said after we had sex for the first time,” Junhui said while looking up at the ceiling, reminiscing about the day. “It was good except for the part where you bit me like a rabid dog.” 

“Don’t remind me about it!” Wonwoo didn’t want to remember about the times when he thought that he wasn’t in love with Junhui.

Junhui pushed Wonwoo away gently so he could get up and clean himself. Wonwoo found a dirty shirt lying on the floor and cleaned himself with it. He then removed the sheets and spread a new one.

Junhui came back from the washroom and flopped on the bed. Wonwoo followed closely behind him and attached himself to Junhui like a koala. 

Wonwoo kissed Junhui lazily and hoped that Junhui would understand the love that he was pouring in his kiss. 

_‘I love you.’_

Junhui tightened his arms around Wonwoo and reciprocated his feelings through touch. 

_‘I love you, too.’_

  
  


_‘What a marvellous feeling_

_it would be, if we could say_

_exactly how we felt._

_What a monumental victory._

_What a terrifying thought.’_

_— Akif Kichloo_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you very much for reading!  
> kudos are appreciated and comments really make my day better.  
> you can also find me on twitter [@redsyub](https://twitter.com/redsyub)


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